Last time I went for a hair cut, I took some before and after photos, to test my theory that my barber isn't very good.
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| Before |
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| After... |
Most men go to barbers, not hairdressers.
That is because most men believe that only metrosexual-meaning-homosexual-interior-design-loving-Mini-Copper-driving-psychotically-vain-fake-tan-wearing-Arsenal-footballing-lame-os go to Hairdressers.
All men want to have their their hair cut for 5 quid in a barbers, but for it to look like it cost 50 quid in a hairdressers.
Therefore, you find yourself in a dilemma. So, here are some helpful rules for surviving this male monthly cycle.
Barbers. The Rules.
Choosing Your Barber.
Geography meets Trial and Error. You must choose the closest barbers to your front door. To do otherwise would be the most blatant Narcissism.
Only once you have received a truly dreadful haircut (see above) from this barber's may you move on to the next nearest.
You simply cannot complain, and continue frequenting that barber's. Worse still, next time, say that you'd rather wait for Frank. If you were that way inclined, you'd be going to a hairdressers.
Time Is Value
The entire process should last about half an hour, from your front door, which you leave with a Hasslehoff-esque buffon (in everyone's mind), to the return, when you look like Brad Pitt (in your mind).
Bathroom v Saloon
Going to the bathroom on a Sunday morning after 8 pints and a curry the night before is to a man what a haircut is to a woman. To both it is an important occassion, both settle in for an hour or so, both will take a good book or the paper, come out feeling at one with the world, expect and fail to receive a compliment from their partner even though they look about the same, and each will be a few pounds lighter.
The Ten Quid Rule
Never pay more than 10 quid. It won't be worth it, you will, as established, look more or less the same.
The only reason you should possibly pay more than a tenner is if you are having something done, like highlights, in which case you might as well ask for the full trans gender op while you're at it. The other reason is for a coffee, which you can't drink, will be poor quality, and have hairs in it.
Conversation: Three Phase Falseness
Conversation should mirror the Three Phase Falseness long since applied to long distance flight:
Phase 1. Polite acknowledgement of the other person's existance at the start. Nothing more. Do not be tempted to make an observational comment: "Oh, yeah, I sometimes struggle with my seat belt too... " you'll sound like a berk.
Phase 2. Unless they catch fire or try to light their shoe bomb you show total ignorance towards them until whilst in flight.
Phase 3. Triggered by the key word shortly in the sentence You will shortly be arriving in.. the sudden switch into new-best-friend small talk is acceptable, slowly winding back down to phase 2, then phase 1.
Once off the plane, they cease to exist once again.
For beginners, if you have followed the rule, the entire conversation should run like this.
Phase 1.
Enter. Ding. There is no queue.
Barber: Yes...
You: Thanks...
Sit in silence whilst pointless things that don't keep hair away from you are applied. Tolerate this social convention.
Barbers: So what will it be?
You: No2 at the sides; tidy on top.
Shut the hell up, look down immediately.
Unless he is Sweeney Todd he will not attempt further conversation. If he is Sweeney Todd, well, you got bigger problems.
Phase 2.
Unless he cuts your ear off, continue studied silence until he reaches for the hand held mirror.
The mirror is the your trigger, like the word shortly.
Phase 3.
Barber: How's that?
You: Perfect.
Barber: You from around here?
You: Sure. Here's less than 10 quid.
Barber: Good bye.
Straight Talking.
If you've done something wrong, you might have to talk. you might have accidently made eye contact in the mirror, or he's caught you questioning how he made your hair look that bad so quickly.
So if you must talk, talk as you do in the garage. Barbers are hairdressers who believe that they are straight. To affirm this, they will avoid any subjects outside of 60s male staples: stick to the tabloid staples of football, crime and how rubbish women are.
Wax, Gel or Product.
Once your hair cut is complete, the barber will guess by the residue on his fingers what product you had on your hair. They're pretty accurate with this. The answer is to accept whatever he offers you, with one catch. You cannot prompt this.
If he says wax or gel, say 'Great'. Using wax or gel, he will then shape your hair into a style that will make you look the worst you have ever looked in your life.
To add insult, he will then stand back as if to say: That is a better version of what you looked like when you came in. That is what you want to look like. Now get out into public and be laughed at.
If he says product, either wants your phone number, or to be hairdresser, and most likely: both. Your call.
The End
