Bad Job Times In Buenos Aires

'And I've forgotten what the balance is

Between psycho and analysis' 

Ross Sutherland

So these are a couple of the highlights of our friend's attempt to secure a managerial job as a 25 year old female. Let let's call her Kath, for the duration of this entry (anonymity essential, there are literally tens of thousands reading this blog), 

I am literally spoilt for choice when writing this. You see I could tell about the time she was training professionals in interview skills in English, and realised the job her 'student' was applying for was a) exactly what she had been looking for and b) that she was better qualified, and then went to his interview. 

I could tell you about how she applied for a job as a guy in order to get a foot in the door. After receiving a reply saying she was 'exactly what they were looking for', you might imagine how long the phone interview lasted. And they even told her off for lying. 

And I could tell you about the time that she was sent for a medical by her potential future employers. After going through the same ridiculous palaver that I was subjected to this time last year (See February, Bra Stays On, Shirts Comes Off) she then had to do a pregnancy test.

Yes, a PREGNANCY test. 

Which she did. The next test, the cardio scan, can only be carried out if you are not pregnant. So she asked if she could have the result of the pregnancy test, and was told that that information was for the company, not for her. And then they did the scan. 

But what I actually want to share with you is the psychological exam. Amazingly, to most of us, it is standard practice to go through a psychological screening before you are welcomed into most jobs. or schools for that matter: most of the private schools do psychological testing for kinder, primary and secondary.  

This should really be a separate entry, but my favourite part of the test was the Word Association. The psycho read out a series of adjectives, and you had to instinctively reply, Yes (eg Yes, that sounds like me) or No. However, altough Kath's Spanish is very good, it fell down after roughly question 10... of 50. Kath explained that she didn't know what a word to number 11 meant, and the psycho simply replied: 'Please answer only yes of no.' 

So she continued, answering Yes or No to qualities she didn't even know the meaning of, and the psycho diligently wrote down her responses. 

She was then asked to draw a picture of a child in the rain. She draw a child splashing in a puddle. As she handed over her drawing, it became clear that she had made a Big Mistake. The psycho pressed a red button under the table, the white coats circled their prey. The psycho looked at her sketch, shook her head and said. 'You haven't drawn an umbrella. (Pause) That means you are not prepared for life's difficulties'. 

Kathy did point out that she brought an actual umbrella to the interview that day, even though it was only a little cloudy. Didn't that suggest she was prepared for life's difficulties? No, apparently, was the answer.  

Finally, she was left in a room with lots of pencils, an enormous desk, and lots of sheets of paper. Do what you like, was the instruction. Clearly there was some sort of analysis going on regarding how many pencils were used etc etc, so Kathy spread out all of the paper across the enormous desk and drew a giant rainbow.    

On returning home, she told her Argie mate Gloria all about this hilarious day. Gloria didn't appear to find anything about the day strange at all, until Kathy said she seemed to get in trouble when she drew the kid in the rain. 

'Oh my god,' said Gloria, 'Please tell me you drew the umbrella.'

Women: For Pity's Sake, Don't Work

We all lie when applying for jobs, don't we? 

Rarely huge lies, but before we know it we've talked up 3 months of bumming around that happened to include a days kayaking whilst in Australia during a GAP year as a 'life building experience leading a series of team building exercises on a freelance basis'. In fact, I think my six months selling baked potatoes (2 hours a day Mon-Fri. Ah Halycon Days!) in Aix-en-Provence is still down as 'Head of Buying and Acquisitions in Emerging Market'. What? It's true-ish. 

And we do these things because, frankly, our CV's should be a reflection of our potential, not the reality; what you could have done, rather than what you have actually done. 

But there is a subtle moral code at work here, that our employers also buy in to: we only lie about the things that we could actually do. If push came to shove, we really could do what we promised on our slightly overly optimistic CV. Isn't that why getting promoted is so stressful? Some ridiculous boss asks you to do exactly what you told them you could do months ago in an interview. 

OK, so we have all, to a greater or lesser extent, stretched the truth to get a job. But I bet NONE of you have ever had to go to the following lengths to gain employment, or even to get your foot through the door. 

Our excellent friend, who shall remain nameless, has been trying without success to get a 'career job' here for over 2 months. Talented, qualified, intelligent, engaged to an Argentine and as such increasingly fluent in Spanish... in the States, she worked as a Human Resources manager in a large construction company.

So, what's the catch? 

Well, quite a tricky one. She is a girl. A little girlie girl, trying to work as a manager of PEOPLE? Ah, wait until I tell the lads (Senior Management Team) at work. 

And yes, actually, this is a problem, enlightened readers. Because on the recruitment sites it specifies AGE and SEX (but not looks. Though many do ask for PROFESSIONAL APPEARANCE). 

Because on the adverts they ask for AGE and SEX. If you want to be a manager, better be MALE and around 25 - 40. And if you wanna be a Receptionist or a Secretary, you need to be FEMALE and 25 - 30.  

And if you are the wrong sex, you cannot apply. Go to www.zonajobs.com.ar if you don't believe me. You apply for a job as a female when they're looking for a guy, and a big old sign appears: You are not QUALIFIED for this position. 

Hilarious. Well, what does six month of searching for a job in such an environment do to an otherwise sane individual? I'll tell you in the next entry. 

The Birth Story

About a week too late, but blogging has taken a back seat understandably whilst feeding, changing and clucking over a little un have taken precedence over humour. 

But this, of course, could not last.

So, here is the timeline for the arrival of Leah:

9.08 Changed, suited and ready to go to work, on a Saturday, for some information morning for Primary parents. Go to kiss Katie goodbye...

9.09 Waters break! Phone deeply suspicious colleague to cancel lift and say I won't be in school today. Perfect timing.  

9.10 Phone midwife. 'Lie down, count the contractions.'

Thoughts turn to the kick off of Scotland - Italy, 11am local time. 

9.25 Midwife phones. 'Are you ok? Good. Meet me at the clinic at 1230.' 

Perfect! No school, Six Nations rugby, what a great kid..

10.00 Contractions regular but not increasing in intensity. Bags packed. Katie relaxed and calm. 

10.25 Starting to get a little nervous. We haven't got the best away record against Italy, and it'd be a shame to undo all the good work in the victory against England last weekend.

11.15 Half time. Scotland up 14 - 7, and am seriously considering naming our girl 'Mike Blair'.  

12.00 Midwife phones to say she's gonna be a little late, say 1245. Fine, contractions still regular.

12.30 Feel nauseus. Masi drops a goal in the last minute to win it 23-20.  Leave for the clinic, bags on arms. It's about 8 blocks from out flat, so we're walking. This is Katie's choice, cynics, and not because I wasn't prepared to pay for a cab. Shame on you. 

 

12.40 Arrive at clinic, sign in, find a seat. Contractions regular, and not as yet insane. Sheils heads home.  

12.45 No midwife. Katie seems completely cool about this. I am a mess. 

13.oo Still no midwife. I'm sure she has a good reason for being late. 

13.15 Midwife turns up with three bags of 'Liquidacion' (Sales) shopping on er arm. Not a hint of an apology, and takes charge. OK, Katie was not in latter stages of labour, but she wasn't to know that? Then again, the woman delivers 35 babies a month, so maybe she can do what the hell she wants.

13.16 No obstetra. Katie is also cool about this, whilst my head explodes. 

Midwife informs us that our obstetra is not in town that weekend, he is on his estancia and won't be back for a couple of weeks. This should have been a disaster, but after our Falso Alarmo, I think we'd have been just as happy using an Idiot's Guide to Delivery. 

13.30-? The next few hours are something of a blur. Plus I can't imagine you want the real details, it's more of a conversation topic than one to convert to print.

In brief, to give you the very short version, the baby arrived some time later. And she looked absolutely gross.  

Fortunately I was a little prepared for this, but only since the day before. In conversation with my older brother, he'd said, So, it's about that time. And I said, Yup. And he said, Well, prepare for the biggest disappointment of your life.  

And that was very funny and very true. They do not look like Pampers Models from minute one. Makes that 'controversial' Benetton Ad look very tame. 

I was taken away with the little screamer for various tests whilst Katie was pretty much abandoned. I pointed to various parts of the little un and asked, Esto, es normal? Y esto, es normal? and the nurses humoured me. Yes, that weird, moving discoloured shape is normal. It's called a b-a-b-y. Then they took her away, and sent me to our room.

And some time later we were reunited, in 204, and some irresponsible idiot left her with us forever. 

And that is, more or less, is the Birth Story. 

Introducing Leah

Falso Alarmo

Monday 10th March

By the end of the next of the days, one way or of the other, you're going to be for having your baby, said our obstetra, in his Borat voice, viewing Katie's latest scan as he spoke. How we regret asking for an obstetra who 'spoke English'. 

Even so, you tell me, how much ambiguity is there in that? 

The scan indicated a fairly big bubba, and, without boring you with medical reasoning, the obstetra advised us that they were going to have to 'get the baby out soon', by inducing the labour, and if that didn't work, by caesarean.  

Come back tomorrow. I'll schedule an appointment for 2pm, he said. 

So, that was at 7pm Monday evening and the emotional roller coaster began. We went home, feeling surreal that we would be 3 by that time tomorrow, 'one way or of the other'. I went to work, scrambled around setting cover for the following week, being wished suerte by colleagues and jumped in a taxi to join Katie at the clinic, texted people to arrange various things that needed arranged. 

Katie had had a scan that morning, at 11am, to confirm the baby's weight, which she had with her. It confirmed the bean at 3,6kg, give or take 400g. The obstetra said, if it's around 3.6kg, he'd induce.

So it came as something of a surprise when our obstetra read over the scan results, which estimated the same weight, 3.6kg, to say, in a rather bored voice: OK, this is fine. Thank you. We'll have a meeting next Monday as usual.

There's us - sweating, palpitating, holding the bags for the hospital and all the toys - saying: But... I thought you said... you know... yeah? Remember how you said about... one way or another...

And in his Borat voice, he replied: Hmm. Nooo. It's for better for this to be happening naturally. We will wait for the nature. 

Note. Following a conversation with a South African who's been here 10 years with his Argentine wife and 2 kids, I call our obstetra an obstetra, not an obsterician. This is based on our agreement that an obstetrician is probably highly skilled and trained to the standards of the BMA, whereas an obstetra is just a guy from a wealthy family who had a shiny white coat. 

So, it was relief, really that he didn't show up for the actual birth... (See The Birth Story, Part 1)

His Top 5: The Best of the Obstetra

• 'I don't know much about babies.'
  
• 'No! For me, with the birth, it is very funny.'
  
• 'Yes, it's going to be a big baby. Get ready to push, ha ha.'
  
• (Every week) 'When are you due?'
  
• (Message on mobile on the day, March 15th) 'I'm sorry, but I cannot come to the phone right now. You can contact me on my return on March 24th.'
  

Que Panza!

It has been said that the subtext of the film Alien, with the infamous stomach-bursting-outta-John-Hurt-on-the-table scene, is about the male fear of pregnancy.

Well, I had my own close encounter just last Friday.



I'm sure you'll agree. Terrifying.

109th North v South

Historically, the North v South game, making it one of the oldest surviving fixtures in the world, is the highlight of the Argentine cricket season. It should be a 3 day game, but due to ten days of storms straight, it was firstly postponed by a week, then reduced to a 50 over match, played at Belgrano's beautiful Virrey del Pino stadium.

Looking at the pitch it looked like win the toss win the game, which turned out to be fairly true. Yours truly, according to the Buenos Aires Herald, got a 'hard fought 27' (which felt like about 70) and was out at 51/4 after 22 overs, next highest score, 4. North managed to struggle to 155 all out. About par for the, now dry, pitch. The South, after cruising at 100/2 limped over the finish line, at 155/7.

A few pics from the official photographer, and I will be more than happy to bore you with details if you ask...

North team

Pensive/Petrified

Shot Sir!

More of the same...

Textbook


With many thanks to James Lowan for the photos.

Pepsi Challenge

(Insert hilarious caption here)

Yet Another Reason To Come To Visit

At an exchange rate of nearly 7 Pesos to the Power Pound, and cocktails generally going for 12-15 pesos in the best bars in town: is there really - really - any need for a Happy Hour?



Let alone 6 of them in a row.

A Little Help?

I often hand out some Self Assessment forms with new classes at the start of a new school year. It's often an interesting insight into their self-perception, and gives me an excellent chance to understand some of their language acquisition and development. Ideally, I will try to continue the best practice of their previous teachers. For this, I usually try to find out what they really enjoyed, and what motivated them with their previous teachers. They usually say something like They were nice or We did Group Work, but every now and then you get a little window through which you can let in some light.

I am, er, a bit lost with what to do to motivate this one. Have a look at his final written response:



Is it my job to tell him that it is unlikely that that'll come up?

Reinventing The Wheel

I fell into conversation with a little scamp in the lunch queue the other day. Take away the dynamic of a classroom environment, and even the best of kids are usually hard work.

So check out how cool this kid is. This was our conversation.

- Hiya Tomi.
- Hello meester. (In a voice a little like 'Pedro' from Napoleon Dynamite)
- So, what do you want to be when you're older?
- I dunno meester, I'm a bit too young to know what I'm gonna be.
- Yeah but, what would be your perfect job?
- I dunno, I wanna do lots of things. Like, for example... oh, I dunno know to say it in English, a waitress.
- A waiter. A waiter is the guy.
- Yeah, that. I'd really like to be a waiter.
- Seriously, a waiter? (I was expecting: lawyer, footballer or take over my daddy's bank...)
- I dunno if that's what it means in English. You know, someone who opens beers.
- Yup, that's a waiter.
- Or, maybe one of those guys who walks around with the food at parties...
- Cool. So Plan A: waiter. Plan B: guy paid to serve food. Anything else?
- Yeah. I really love to swim.
- What, like in the Olympics?
- No, just like... a LOT.
- Wow. Anything else?
- Yeah. I was thinking I could do something with cars. Like maybe make the wheel better.
- Really? You sure. I mean, I think the whole 'round' theory's working out pretty well on that one.
- Well, sure, but I'd like to try some things.

And that is how cool the world is when you're 10.

By comparison

By comparison, look how lame this is:

 

MediaWiki searchGoogleYahooWindows LiveWikiwixExalead

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Results 1-20 of 303

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 Next »

• Katie Sugden
  Relevance: 100.0% - - (100% relevance to WHO?)
• Andy Sugden
  Relevance: 92.4% - - (Less famous than above)
• List of Mirmo! characters
  Relevance: 90.9% - - (Not Mirmo!! Oh no, I mean, what is Mirmo?)
• List of Saved by the Bell: The New Class episodes
  Relevance: 89.5% - - (Top draw TV, well done there)
• Calamity Jane (1953 film)
  Relevance: 88.3% - - (Insert gag here)

Fame. It's all mine.

Turns out I am both as famous and as glamorous as I thought.

 

Having long since tired of googling myself, I decided just now to wikipedia myself.

 

Back in the day at school, on The School Computer, my spellchecker identity was Drunken Freemason. Which was quality.

 

As is my wikidepia identity. You can choose from any of the following 4:

 

MediaWiki searchGoogleYahooWindows LiveWikiwixExalead

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Results 1-4 of 4

• List of renamed Indian public places
  Relevance: 100.0% - - (Note: 100% relevant! High time you took yourself to Taj Dougal, in Agra, India. Next to the other one.) 
• List of English Victoria Cross recipients
  Relevance: 96.7% - - (I like to think Dougals are, as a breed, heroes. Well, we are only 96.7% of the time)
• List of First World War Victoria Cross recipients
  Relevance: 92.8% - - (As above)
• List of fictional clergy and religious figures
  Relevance: 92.8% - - (I'll take that too. Basically God.)

 

Un desnudo en el cricket

As a cricketer, you've got to do something pretty extraordinary to get into the papers in Argentina. For example, I hit a 4 in the last game and hardly anyone recognises me.

So, take a bow Andrew Symonds. Turns out all you need to do is assault a streaker while you're batting for your country to find your way onto the sports pages (of a little known website).

This isn't great news for all of us here, the halcyon days where Argentine cricketers could enjoy their holidays in Punta del Este are clearly over, and my days will now be punctuated with paparazzi littered book signings.

Thanks a lot, Andrew.

Back to Un Desnudo. Given such lack of cricket knowledge, the headline A naked at the cricket is a little disappointing when a myriad of puns spring to mind such as:
- That's Just Not Cricket (bit obvious, but still better than theirs)
- Ball Tampering Stops Play (cheeky, one for the C2Ds)
- Monkey Goes Bananas (inspired work from Harbijan Singh there).

Ah, that's my agent, better go, photo shoot about to start.