Feminism, What Did I Ever Do To You?

Time was, a long time ago, when a man would return from work, remove his hat and winkle pickers, his wife would take his coat, assure him that the children were in bed, offer him a whisky and tell him that his dinner was in the oven, when would he like it served?

Well, if my weekend was anything to go by, those times are dead, and a long long way in the past.

At around 730am last Sunday morning, I was slumped at a breakfast table in a beautiful old estancia house in the Argentine campo, with 7 loud, lovely, sprightly chocolate cereal eating children, and 3 jaded, dishevelled coffee drinking Dads, whose 3 respective wives had crawled into bed about 2 hours earlier, last seen at 530am. So it was that we served the kids their breakfasts, brought rounds of coffee, spoke in monosyllables, took turns by the warmth of the stove, and slagged off the legacy of the feminist movement: Drunken Mums.

And we talked of the golden days of yore. But thinking that we were fabricating a history that never was, I could not help but Google the original text: How To Please Your Husband, 1950. You will not believe the following. If you're a better man than me, you'll print this and pin it to the fridge.

Excerpt from a 1950s Home Economics Textbook
Compiled by Ms. Leslie Blankship (Thanks, Leslie)

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax-unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Editor's note:

Warning: do NOT try this at home.

Ageing, Part 2

Having written, and then removed, a compairson between Blighty and Buenos Aires, because it was morbid and rather dull, I thought I would put this in its place.

This is essentially what I meant to write, but thought I had already written an entry exactly like it, called Ageing.

Turns out that was nearly 2 years ago. Which brings me nicely to the subject.

This is Ageing, Part 2. or Latest signs of my proximity to the maker.

1. Ageing or Aging.

The Oxford English Dictionary stated that it is grammatically correct to spell ageing as so, or aging. To me, the sound that would rhyme with 'gagging' puts me off, so I choose the word that would score higher in Scrabble. So that will be number one. I look things up in dictionaries, and Scrabble is as zeitgeist a reference point as I can muster. It seems a long two years. I guess that's aging for you.

2. Anecdotes

I have a growing sense of athazagoraphobia, the fear of that you have forgotten something, a chilling moment of hesitation at the start of every anecdote, as the voice in my head says, You've told him this already. What's more, you've told him this today.

3. These anecdotes often start with the year

Do you remember, in '94...

4. Star Wars to me is the Matrix to them

In a survey with my Film students, I asked them what I could do to improve the course. Several responded with something like: 'We could watch more up to date films.' I focused a lesson or two on Fight Club and The Matrix. I was informed, gently, that these were exactly the sort of 'old films' they were talking about.

5. Everyone Loves Raymond

Hilarious. I get every joke.

6. Coffee Culture

The 'Last Coffee Of The Day Deadline' is slipping back so far that at this rate I'm going to have to get up early for it to be early enough for me to have a coffee that doesn't keep me awake at night.

7. I am Post Ironic

Things I think of as being popular in my teenage years are once again cool. They are post-ironic. Take That, Beverley Hills 90210. I am flares. In a similar vein, bands that I think of as being fresh out of school, like Busted, are being covered by bands that are actually fresh out of school, like The Jonas Brothers (left -absurdly young 'people')

8. Sleep is the new sex

Lads conversations on the phone now sound exactly like they did back in the day, with one simple substitute. "Oh my God, I had the best (sleep) at the weekend. I (slept) for 6 hours straight. I've got that next day good mood feeling after that awesome (sleep). If I could bottle that (sleep) I'd (sleep) like that for the rest of my life."

9. Not understanding TV

There are adverts on television for things I find utterly bewildering. There was one on last week involving what appeared to be flying Gerbils, that were sort of superheroes, or possibly cleaning products. There was a time when I would have thought it was simply badly edited, but now I suspect that the frames of reference are so alien to me, that it's me.

10. Competitive Ageing

I was visibly delighted last weekend when I found out from Katie that friends of ours, who I thought were our age, were actually a bit older. Evil miser laugh and hand rubbing glee.

11. Grans

Grans used to be a bit dull. Now they're good company. Amiable, really. Well, we've got more in common now.

12. Running

I no longer run because I want to, or feel like it, or need to burn excess energy, or like it. I run to turn back time.

Right, TV and slippers time. Catch you again.