"Were there phones in 1988, Sir?"

In class, last lesson of the day.

Writing an assignment, a kid in my Sixth Grade class (I think that makes them about 4) comes to my desk, pointing at the date of publication. 1988.

Kid - Did they have phones then?
Old man - Fuck off What's that? 

She is serious.

Old person - OK, yeah, I think that phones have been in common use since the 40s. 


She is calculating.


Old man - Yeah, the 1940s. 

Yup. That is as cool a phone as you
would find in 1988. FOURTEEN
years before you were born. 

Kid looks at me in distain, and I realise that it is I who is somehow stupid, though I cannot imagine how. She puts her hand to her cheek, and makes the universal SmartPhone mime: palm flat to cheek.

"No, but like... proper phones."

Give me strength.

"Er. No, nothing cool was invented until you were born. In 2002. Now go sit down, and write with a pencil on paper. That's right, paper and pen. Like they did in Biblical times."

Seriously. I teach people who were born in 2002.

Hair cut

I looked in the mirror and a
complete stranger stared back at me. 

I've finally found a good hairdressers. Yes, not barbers, I'm over them. Hair dressers, where they dress my hair.

It looks identical, costs about the same, but I get a free coffee and Juan Pablo and I talk shopping and style, rather than football and the weather in Scotland, which after 3 years had become tiresome with Carlos Roberto. Also I'd don't have to listen to the Claudio Cannigia got his hair cut as a kid here anecdote ever again.

However, Juan Pablo took me to a place I didn't know I needed to go.

He said something, mumbled, with the inflection of a question, in a language I speak but occassionally do not understand. Rather than ruin the myth that I was fluent in his mother tongue, I simply nodded agreement.

Upon which he took the trimmer and comb that was taking my back and sides from Bushy Clowhead to Military No2, and applied the same treatment to my... eyebrows.

A veritable avalanche of clippings fell to the floor, and with it my illusions of youth.

He stood back, looked in the mirror, and proclaimed - Si, dale, mucho mejor. 

I would have felt almost miffed that I was being treated as some kind of an old age pensioner who has out of control facial hair until I arrived home. On opening the door, Katie took one look at me, gazed to the heavens, and said, as if years of praying were suddenly being rewarded:

- Oh thank God! Someone's trimmed your eyebrows!

Shambles

Left for work today in a bit of rush this morning.

I was standing in the lift, convinced there was something wrong. Was I wearing a belt? Yes. Was this tie ridiculous? No. What is wrong...

It wasn't until I got to the front door of the building that I realised I wasn't wearing any shoes.

Ageing, Part 2

Having written, and then removed, a compairson between Blighty and Buenos Aires, because it was morbid and rather dull, I thought I would put this in its place.

This is essentially what I meant to write, but thought I had already written an entry exactly like it, called Ageing.

Turns out that was nearly 2 years ago. Which brings me nicely to the subject.

This is Ageing, Part 2. or Latest signs of my proximity to the maker.

1. Ageing or Aging.

The Oxford English Dictionary stated that it is grammatically correct to spell ageing as so, or aging. To me, the sound that would rhyme with 'gagging' puts me off, so I choose the word that would score higher in Scrabble. So that will be number one. I look things up in dictionaries, and Scrabble is as zeitgeist a reference point as I can muster. It seems a long two years. I guess that's aging for you.

2. Anecdotes

I have a growing sense of athazagoraphobia, the fear of that you have forgotten something, a chilling moment of hesitation at the start of every anecdote, as the voice in my head says, You've told him this already. What's more, you've told him this today.

3. These anecdotes often start with the year

Do you remember, in '94...

4. Star Wars to me is the Matrix to them

In a survey with my Film students, I asked them what I could do to improve the course. Several responded with something like: 'We could watch more up to date films.' I focused a lesson or two on Fight Club and The Matrix. I was informed, gently, that these were exactly the sort of 'old films' they were talking about.

5. Everyone Loves Raymond

Hilarious. I get every joke.

6. Coffee Culture

The 'Last Coffee Of The Day Deadline' is slipping back so far that at this rate I'm going to have to get up early for it to be early enough for me to have a coffee that doesn't keep me awake at night.

7. I am Post Ironic

Things I think of as being popular in my teenage years are once again cool. They are post-ironic. Take That, Beverley Hills 90210. I am flares. In a similar vein, bands that I think of as being fresh out of school, like Busted, are being covered by bands that are actually fresh out of school, like The Jonas Brothers (left -absurdly young 'people')

8. Sleep is the new sex

Lads conversations on the phone now sound exactly like they did back in the day, with one simple substitute. "Oh my God, I had the best (sleep) at the weekend. I (slept) for 6 hours straight. I've got that next day good mood feeling after that awesome (sleep). If I could bottle that (sleep) I'd (sleep) like that for the rest of my life."

9. Not understanding TV

There are adverts on television for things I find utterly bewildering. There was one on last week involving what appeared to be flying Gerbils, that were sort of superheroes, or possibly cleaning products. There was a time when I would have thought it was simply badly edited, but now I suspect that the frames of reference are so alien to me, that it's me.

10. Competitive Ageing

I was visibly delighted last weekend when I found out from Katie that friends of ours, who I thought were our age, were actually a bit older. Evil miser laugh and hand rubbing glee.

11. Grans

Grans used to be a bit dull. Now they're good company. Amiable, really. Well, we've got more in common now.

12. Running

I no longer run because I want to, or feel like it, or need to burn excess energy, or like it. I run to turn back time.

Right, TV and slippers time. Catch you again.