What I have learned about Peruvians, Part 1

What I have learned about Peruvians so far. Now, I have little doubt that I will look back at this and it will be little more than, well, frankly, racist stereotyping. But hopefully in the well-meaning Bill-Bryson-aren't-Germans-humorless-but-efficient way, rather than in the comments-heard-off-air-by-a-football-commentator way. Anyway, here goes:

- No means, or looks like it means, yes. A strange, downward intonation ya replaces the expected si, often with a companying shake of the head.

- Poker faces, the lot of them. Don't give nothin' away.

- When drunk, poker face drops. Significantly. Very Scottish, in this respect, but without the aggression.

- They're not a huge fan of Chileans.

- They're not huge fans of Argentines.

- Distinction. They hate Chileans. I was being way too light before.

- They are huge fans of running red lights.

- They like a firework or two.

- A Peruvian can nap like no other. Never is this more true of your taxi driver, where, if he were to deign to stop at a red light (which he wouldn't), he might even catch 17 seconds worth of winks (which he could).

- They're surprising up front about money. I've been asked often in conversation how much I earn, what I get paid, what I pay for rent and so on. Financially speaking, what am I doing in Peru? I don't find this invasive, save for the fact that financially speaking, I don't know what the crap I am doing on the planet, so it's hard to think of a sensible response.

- Nice house. How much are you playing for it? What did your car cost? You pay for those shoes in quotas?

- They know their food.

- In spite of knowing their food, they're mad for the double carb: rice and chips, not either/or.

- Many many of their standard supermarket food stuffs have comedy rude names: Tosh biscuits, BattiMix yoghurts, Wanka fruit, Fanny, Bimbo, Hornyman tea...   

- Traffic = British weather. So bad it requires to be constantly remarked on. One cannot, cannot, resign oneself to the fact that THIS.IS.HOW.IT.IS

- They like a moderate climate: and by moderate I mean 23 degrees, slightly overcast. Any less and it might as well be 3 degree (lowest, about 16?), any more and you'd think you were living on the sun (que calor, no puedo, simplemente no se puede..).

- Above rules do not apply on a beach. They love a beach. Any old type of shitty, pebbly, strong current carrying crap... beaches rock.

- Every single Peruvian male I have met so far was there - actually there! - at the 1978 World Cup, Peru v Scotland, in Argentina, for Peru's famous victory. Even if they are in their 20s, they were there.

- They're tough as old boots. I guess they would be, when you look at the forging-a-living-out-of-the-desert, resisting-the-Spanish, braving-the-16-degree-winters history of the country, but they're nails. Playing football against Argentines was humiliating, but never painful: skillful but soft. Against Peruvians, the opposite.

- They hate Chileans. Did I mention that? Well, if its good enough for them to mention every couple of minutes, it's enough for me. Frikkin' Chilenos.

2012 favourites

Because I like lists of things:

... films (in order): Beasts of the Southern Wild, Argo, Looper, Skyfall, Ted 

... books: Heliopolis, English Passengers, Last Days of the Incas, How to be a Woman, The Psychopath Test

... TV: Mad Men, Season 5. Sure to jump the shark next season, but until it does... cheers!

...proudest achievement of 2012: Perhaps that I have not watched a single moment of reality TV. Not including the news.

... hotel: Second Home, Barranco (right).

... quote from a student: Student's homework was to interview someone from a different background about their education. One question was, What would you do if you won the lottery? This kid fail bad in Inglish.

... quote from my kids: The night after the epic Murray US Open victory.

Leah - "Daddy, are you watching tennis tonight?
Me/Awesome Dad - "No, why?"
Leah - "Good. Beacause I don´t want you to say 'shit', 'fuck' or 'yay'."

... man: Tim Minchin. Love that funky ginge...

... woman: Caitlin Moran, including and especially her views on witches.

... child: Dead heat. Leah made a massive comeback second half of the year, just when Maia looked like she had it sealed up.

... parenting fail: Dropping Leah off at nursery with neither her lonchera (snack box), nor wearing any pants.

... first world problem: Having to take the 'bus' to pay an overdue electricity bill.  This took over 45 minutes, meaning the sun wasn't on the pool when I got home. Swim chillier than preferable. @FWP

(First World Glossary: A 'bus' is like a large taxi, but has many more people in it. The driver doesn't ask where you're from, and it doesn't take you to your destination. You get off the minute you recognise anything near your chosen destination. It is very cheap and usually smells.)

... rumour:  "If the Mayans were good at predicting things, there wiould still be Mayans."

... sporting live moment: In an unparallelled year of sporting magic, Jessica Ennis' 800m, Andy Murray at US Open, Scotland scoring a try against the All Blacks... but it was probably my goal against Maintenance in the school 7-a-side league.

... YouTube: Best of Zidane. Go on, click the link, the guy was a genius.

... time-wasting site: Fail Blog. Thank you, particularly News Anchor Fail Compilation 2012.

... bar: Maximo's, Barranco

.. fact: That on average, women speak 7000 words a day, whilst men only speak 2000. In Scotland, I believe the ratio remains the same, but the figures are reduced by a thousand.
Her allowance: "Ei, Billy, you gettin' sum more beer?
His allowance: "Aye."

... piece of advice: Don't take your SmartPhone out in town. Buy a Pay-as-you-go for nights out.

... biggest regret: Not taking the above advice about the SmartPhone v Pay-as-you-go.

... worst moment in 2012: Probably when they mugged me for my iPhone. Or when the guy in Ayahuasca's offered to make me a 'special Scottish' cocktail, whereupon he gave me something that tasted like Tennants on Buckfast on Scotch, blended wi' pure shite.

... most embarrassing moment: Receiving a letter from my kid's school (which is my school) stating that I was last parent in the entire school to pay their child's school fees. And could I pay them please.

... best buy: Trampoline.

... lowest point as a man:
1. Trying to put up the trampoline.
2. Joking during football that I weighed just 43 kilos. At the end of the game, my opponent came up to me, quietly, and asked me if I really weighed 43 kilos.

... moment of ageing:
Sixth form student trying to cheers me up, after I said I was 'old'.
Student - "Come on, Sir. What age are you?"
Me - "35."
Student - "Ah, that's not old. That's my Mum's age."

Hmm... that's it, I think.