Exam Questions You Will Never See

It's getting close to exam season with my Poli3 students (oldest ones, A level types). Reading through a Past Paper, one young chispa brillante (bright spark?) asked why exam questions were so incredibly dull.

- No one ever asks anything interesting, Sir? Why is that? They're always set in these ridiculous made up situations that would never occur in real life. 

He was bang on. Anyone who has sat an exam in the UK in the last 20 years will remember the classic Maths GCSE:

Question: Abdul, Takul and Wee Billy are playing in the sand pit. Abdul has 3 sandcastles, Takul has 2, Billy has none. Why is this?
Answer: Coz Billy's da says he's no ti play wi Pakis. 

That may not be factually accurate, nor is ever Billy a hideous racist (some of my best mates are called Billy. I would have loved to be a Billy myself...) but I do remember that it brought up more issues of race than it did arithmetic.

We had just looked at a Past Paper for the English Language paper, which had the following question:

Your local politician is organising a fun run, and would like to hear from students in the area who have fundraising ideas for charity. Write a letter outlining your ideas for a fun, fundraising idea. 

- For a start, Sir, if this was in Argentina, they would just be trying to steal our money, so no would send ideas. Secondly, what politician has to ask for school students - who can't vote anyway - for suggestions on how to raise money. That's their job. And, shouldn't they have taxes to spend on local charities?

Inspired by this rebellious thinking, I set them a homework task. Based on the themes of Carol Ann Duffy's The World's Wife, write an example exam question that you will never see. They had to state a form, an audience and a purpose. The themes are marriage, sexual orientation, gender roles, social expectations...

I don't think I have ever been so proud of a set of students based on some homework:

1. Discursive writing. Some people believe a woman's place is in the home. Others believe it is in the kitchen. Discuss.

2. You are a horrible racist. Write the transcipt of a 'listener phone in' conversation you have with your local radio station on the subject of immigration.

3. You are gay. Defend yourself.

4. Some people believe that homosexuals should be locked up. Others believe they should be shot! Write an essay arguing both sides of this argument.  

5. Write a magazine article exploring the following statement: An ugly (rich) man is more likely to get a beautiful woman than an ugly woman is a handsome man.

Anyone for a Karry?

Take the most irritating parts of living in Indian and Argentina, combine them into one restaurant, call it ALI, and what have you got?

That's right. The Worst Restaurant In The World. I tried to order food from them last year, and the process took over SIX hours. Full story below. 

Inexplicable, in a city where over 50% of the restaurants closed last year including a couple of gems, this place is not only still open for business but has just upscaled and moved to the prime location of MY STREET in Martinez. Well, one away, but it's alarmingly close for comfort. 

Lies, Damn Lies, and Ali: Indian Restaurant

Based on my own experience, I would have to say that the advertising board above the restaurant contains the following misleading information:  

1. That it is Indian. 

2. That it is a Restaurant. 

3. That it does Catering. 

4. That they will do Delivery. 

And if you don't believe me and think this is simple hyperbole, take the Special's Board from last Tuesday as a test of competency:   

Unable to decide between Spanish, English or Indian, the
brain trust behind ALI decided to make up their own language. 

Milanesa is breaded, battered steak, as Indian as... breaded battered steak. Or Chicken Breasts, which is your second option.

Take Away (Your Will To Live)

When I ordered delivery from them last year, I assumed that a place so incompetent would be out of business within a month. Just before Maia was born, craving some Indian spice, I foolishly stepped forth into ALI, San Isidro one fateful afternoon in March.

After the maitre d' confirmed that they did do delivery, I took a menu, made my order, which the maitre d' seemed to take down meticulously, paid the bill of $104 then and there, and cycled back towards home.

After an hour, I thought I'd just call, having written the number down as displayed on their menus. An Argentine girl answered the phone. She appeared to know absolutely nothing about an Indian Restaurant called ALI.

I tried again, assuming I had mis-dialed. Eventually, the idiot girl admitted that she did work at the ALI, but did not know anything about my order. I can only guess that the maitre d' was just visiting mates, and spoke not a word of Spanish, and therein began the confusion.

Me - Si, Fergusson: chicken karry, motton para dos... ?

My recitation of our order seemed to trigger something in her because she cut me off and started, I assumed, reading back my order, only wrongly:

Idiot Girl - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Kebap, Sheema Naan, Korma de Pollo, Korma de Carne, Carne con Naan, Carne sin Naan...

... as I realised during her monotonous enumerating drone that she was reading back the entire menu to me.

Exasperated, I put Katie on the phone. Katie repeated the request to trace the Fergusson order that, I remembered with horror, was ALREADY PAID FOR. If I gave up, as any sane person would do at this point, I would have given away $104. To idiots. I was in this for the long haul.

The Idiot Girl replied, as if to clarify - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Kebap, Sheema Naan, Korma de Pollo, Korma de Carne, Carne con Naan, Carne sin Naan...


Katie handed back the phone.

This is almost the exact opposite
of the food we never actually at.  

Idiot Girl, in fairness, was at quite disadvantage, clearly knowing nothing at all about Indian food, food, how to work in a restaurant nor how to conduct a conversation. Makes being a waitress dealing with phone orders in a karry house rather a tough gig.

Katie gave up and handed me the phone. I asked to speak to someone... at the restaurant?

She put someone from the restaurant on. An Indian male, by his voice. Within seconds I was starting to miss Idiot Girl like a dear friend.

Indian Male - Yes, hello, si, kepab pollo, chikken con kenap, motton sir would you like to try the Sheema Naan, Korman de Pollo, Ferrgussun, carne Naan...
Me - Oh, put Idiot Girl back on the phone, I shouted.
Idiot Girl took the phone.
Idiot Girl - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Ke...
Me - Oh don't you start that sh... 

Somehow we fell into a system where I would speak Spanish with Idiot Girl, but she would need assistance on anything to do with food, delivery or life: from Indian Man. She could read a menu, from start to finish, but could not apparently do anything else.

Somehow I communicated that we would like $104 worth of food (any Indian food will do!), as already paid for, and I communicated our address, triple confirmed everything, and put the phone down.

About an hour and a half later, still no food. I called back. We communicated the following:

Me - Hi, remember me? Is my food, you know, ready?
Indian Man - Yes, Fergussam, your food is ready. Actually, it is getting quite cold.
Me - What do you mean?
Indian Man - Ah, Ferboomsong, but we don't have a car or any means of transport.

Well, of course you don't.


Me - Can't you order a taxi, and send them to us with the food?
Indian Man - No. 


Turns out he was right. He couldn't get a taxi to deliver the food. I called our local taxi company, and asked them to send a taxi to ALI's. They wouldn't - saying they don't send taxis unless there is someone at that address. They also said they would not send a taxi to the ALI restaurant.

So I called a different taxi company, intending to lie, saying that I was in the ALI restaurant, and when the taxi was to arrive, the Indian Man could then ask them to deliver the food to me. And pay for the taxi.

This is almost too complicated to write, so you can imagine how unsuccessful I would be explaining this on the phone to Idiot Girl and co.

Incidentally, by this time we'd already had a pizza. It was about 11pm, I think. But I wanted my bloody $104 worth of food!!

But the thought of trying to explain all of that to ALI was too much, so I gave up on the whole taxi thing, and the whole Indian food thing, cancelled the taxi and went to bed.    

Just as I dropped off to sleep, there was a buzz on the door. Wandering downstairs half asleep, I picked up the receiver:

Me - Hola?
Indian Man - Yes, hello, si, kepab pollo, chikken con kenap, motton sir would you like to try the Sheema Naan, Korman de Pollo, Ferrgussun, carne Naan...

Popularity Ratings

So, Cristina - quite recently the least popular Premier in Latin America (click right to enlarge) - won the primaries last weekend, hands down, with a smooth 50% of the vote, 38% more than the next best candidate.

Cristina made several statements about how the Primaries show Argentina's voting system is more transparent than ever. That may be, but the net is hardly thrown wider: the three main candidates were the current President, who's husband was the previous Prez, Duhalde, President in 2002-3, and Alfonsín, a President's son.

Not even following the politics closely, it would impossible not to know that La Presidenta's popularity rating fell like a lead cliché in her first term, dropping as low as 23%. Then again, if you use the Maths by which they calculate inflation, that figure is actually 67%. Go fiddle. 

Her rating did rise after her husband, Nestor, died of a heart attack suddenly last year, an experience she faced with dignity.

Time to buy some choripan?

But it does not explain how she then got 50% of the vote, 38% more than the next best candidate? A classic Argentine paradox?

Marriage

It was explained to me as follows: It's like a marriage. You may well find that your initial popularity rating with the other half is quite high, but that will plummet after a brief honeymoon period. That said, when it comes round to decision time, there are simply no other credible candidates so, in spite of a pop rating of around 14%, you still get the nod for another term.

Vote: Green screen or rent-a-crowd? 

Still, Fuerza, Crissie, and good luck in the next term. It should be an interesting second round, given that in her first round Wikip will tell you , not necessarily in these words, that she pissed off:
- the United States (suitcases of dollars, rocking up late to the G20, WikiLeaks...)
- all the farmers (hiking levies up by over 10% overnight)
- people who like water (vetoing a law that "jeopardised 75% of the world's water supplies")
- more than half of the press tried (trying to bully out of publication the opposition newspaper, Clarín
- the British (Malvinas/Falklands, and her refusal to say sorry more)
- her country's Central Bank (trying to re-route $6.7b of public funds to pay off interest: when blocked by the Central Bank's President, she had him removed, which turned out to be illegal, whereupon he was reinstated, whereupon he resigned with the famous parting line: "Fuck this")
- people who aren't millionaires (her private asset wealth has rise 572% during her and her husband's Presidency)
- Brazil (can't recall why).

Now, obviously if you dislike many of the above - and who doesn't get pissed off with the Yanks, the Brits and water from time to time? -  then you'll find a vote or two.

This entry is ridiculously one-sided of course and mostly partly sort-of made up for humorous reasons. I  state for partiality that many would point to the massive improvements she has made in reforming children's education, in promotion of Human and Equal Rights, and that she presides over a country with an economy that continues to grow. Oh, and whose teenagers don't do allota lootin', are nice to children, and give their seats to people on buses.

Family Photo