Australia side for 3rd Test

With all this Bring Back Warne stuff flying around, I thought I should get in on the Ashes act, rather like Bell at 4/452. Here's what should be the Australia side for the 3rd Ashes test because this - according to the comments in the Sydney Morning Herald - is what the supporters want.

Gone are the days when you knew the Australian team (and result) six months before the toss. The selectors just used to copy and paste from the ICC World Ratings. Now, they pick people called Xavier who haven't even had the decency to dominate English county cricket for a decade prior to selection.

Anyway, this is part SMH comments, and part me. I want the series to stay alive, so here's a few ideas to help Hilditch and co:

1. Simon Katich. Keep the Kat. Even on one foot he's still the people's choice. Ticker and stubble, what more do you need? Never really moves his feet anyway, and still averages over 45, so an ankle injury won't bother him. The Kat stays.

2. Kim Hughes. All this talk of young, untried Phil Hughes smacks of panic. Why look forward when you can look back, say the CA and Aussie suppporters alike. You don't need young kids with questionable technique and lack of ticker when you can have all of those plus age like that of ex-captain Kim Hughes, 56. He'd fit in a treat to Pup's side as not only does he have a girlie name, but made history as the first Australian man to show emotions, crying in public back in 1984. Plus he's got the sort of form with the bat that would make even Ryan Harris feel like a hit in the nets: 2 runs in his last 4 Test innings.

Shocker.

3. Mike Hussey. Batting as well as anyone in world cricket at 6, why move him? Because with a tail longer than a cartoon cat, the Huss needs to be in 3. Bear with me while I type this final sentence, referring to him as Mr Cricket, as a contractual obligation. (Note that no one is mentioning his appalling shot against Finn on Day 5, Morning, in the hope that it'll all just go away. I haven't forgotten. Shocker!)

4. Michael Clarke. Captain. Lead the way to defeat with a dreadful 80 before succombing a brilliant piece of bowling from Kevin Pieterson, who bowled a ball towards him, Pup is the man to take over from Ponting. Hated by half the team, he's become a lot like Mike Brearley, just without the art of captaincy.

5. Marcus North. Total shit whose technical deficiencies when playing spin have apparently been exposed by the review system: the problem being that he doesn't really use his bat. Thank God for video technology to pick up that one, and well done umpires. Harris and has a similar problem, but at least he's honest enough to 'shoulder arms', like Strauss.) Smiles whimsically when he gets out, as such good to have him around in case one of the players' cats die; they might need a cuddle.

6. Ian Chappell. Had a fight with Botham in a car park only last week. That's what Australia needs: someone who hates these tourists with Pauline Hanson-like bile. Would kick the sh/t into Marcus North at the other end, which might even induce him to score a run when the score isn't already 440/3

7. Brad Haddin. Loved in Oz like the taste of a cold gold beer opened with your eye socket after walking out on the wife. If you combine his name whilst drunk, he's basically Bradman.   

8. Shane Warne. Bring back Warney! The walking tabloid headline is the answer Aussie prayers: truth be told, England would still be absolutely bricking it facing Warney, at Perth of anywhere else, and no amount of Graeme Swann's media spin bravado will stop that. Only available for every 7th over due to media commitments: still more dangerous than Doherty's best ever ball to a blind man.

9. Ryan Butta. A combative Australian currently honing his technique on the uncovered pitches of Argentina: frankly, the stats speal for themselves. Seaks confrontation like a Bush Administration Foreign Policy, is just the sort of player to ruffle some English feathers, in any of three languages. Like Warne, committment subject to media offers. Like Clarke, has experienced the highs and lows of captaincy. Full info here.  

10. Ryan Harris. Can only improve with the bat, and gutsy as you like with the ball. Good man to have in a fight, which half that middle-order might want, the other will need. 

Dougie's left arm spin didn't cause KP
 the problems Australia had hoped.

11. Doug Bollinger. Because a dark side of me wants to watch Pieterson bat against him again. That would have been illegal in some countries. (See image, right)

12th man. Tim Zoehrer. The ultimate twelfthers. Second best leg spinner in Australia. behind Warnie. Second best wicket keeper in Australia since 1967, behind Marsh, then Healy, then Gilchrist, now Bradman. Second best cricket writer too, behind Phil Lutton.

Dropped. Ricky Ponting. Hasn't made a hundred in nearly a week, so like Sachin is clearly past it, was never a number 3 anyway and can't play spin, and looks a lot like George W Bush. Who needs that at first drop?

Not picked: Phil Hughes. Got 86no last innings, averages over 50 in Tests and 1st Class, he's too good and too young for the current selectors. The man with an off side technique modelled on Alistair Cook's should get plenty of runs this series, but still no one's convinced. Back to back hundreds against the no1 team in the world count for nothing these days. Langer's gushing press conference backing him seems a little odd, particularly the line about Hughes being "special under pressue", months after dropping him questioning his ability to, you know, play under pressure.

Game on, next Thursday. Oh. one change to the England side: Flintoff in for the injured Broad.

The Ashes, or How A Marriage Looks On Cricinfo

"October can be a difficult month for the cricket fan.
It's when he realises that his wife left him in May."

It's called Test cricket because it's the ultimate Test. 5 days of attrition, 5 long days of fighting over every ball, of scraping for every wicket. It is the true test of whether you are a man or not. It's all good macho stuff.

Strauss' average plummets after claims that
Cook's replacement is Aussie 'plant'.



I am, of course, not referring to the Ashes matches themselves, nor the players. Those primadonnas have it easy. I'm talking about the true sportmen being put through their paces: the armchair spectators who face something far more terrifying than an angry Joel Garner in poor light on a rock hard Antigua deck.

I'm talking about facing the wife.  

You think facing 90mph bowling from 20 yards is tough, you try selling the fact that you fully intend to ignore the kids, the house, the outside world, the phone, unpaid bills, mounting admin, invited dinner guests and all else for 5 days straight, 5 times in two months, for the most incomprehensible, inexplicable of sports: Test Cricket. Give me Allan Donald any day.

There are few things that will get the heart going like facing the wife on the morning of Day 1 of a  Test Match, knowing that you've got 15 more sessions like this to go. The stakes are high: play well, and you could be in for a fifty (uninterrupted first session), or even the dream, a Test century (full day's play, with uninterrupted lunch breaks).

Don't expect more than that: not even Bradman went out expecting to bat for 2 days, and you are no Bradman. More likely you're Bell: quite classy in favourable conditions, but fundamentally there are still questions about where you head's at.

Preparation
Preparation is the key, and you can't start on match day. You fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.

The Cricket Lovers' Wife is part McGrath, part Warne. Brawn and guile. With around 1000 scalps in the bank before this series, there are no playing conditions where she's not dangerous, no amount of planning or acclimatised preparation in an oxygen-free hydroponic batting net tent that can prepare you for Day One, Morning Session.

But plan you must.

The week prior to the test is key, as it's way too late by Thursday. Sort the house, clean the car, pay the bills, take the kids off to wherever the f'hell they go during the day, get the girls' day out booked in early. Treat yourself, dear, you deserve it.

Discipline
Do NOT do any of the following in the final week: do not mention the cricket, do not say the word 'Ashes', do not bookmark cricinfo, rehearse on-drives in the living room. and never ever ever get caught late at night scrambling for the remote control to switch off the 2005 Ashes DVD Box Set. If you are very lucky she will think you were watching pornography, and let's hope she does, cause if it's Freddie's hundred in the 4th Test, it's all over.

Match Day
If you've done your preparation well, you should be good for match day. Let's say you've played a blinder, the Husband Hundred, and you're settling in for the full day. Golden Rule: stay humble. The bowling might look unthreatening, but any ball is good enough to get you out. The last you thing you want is to come this far and get Run Out backing up. Katich.

And this is how it translates.

What A Marriage Looks Like On Cricinfo
Well, after all the talk, and the preparation, here we go at last. Wife is bowling to a very attacking field. Three slips, a gully, and a man under the helmet. Husband will take on the new ball. He's been in good form, and prepared very well through the week, buying flowers and getting a range of household chores done, but the real challenge this morning is how to cope with the aggression and late swing of Wife, who has his hard new cherry in her hands.

0.1 Wife to Husband, Ah. Is the cricket on then? No, no, enjoy it. You're 'earned' it.138.4 kph, Wife sends down a gentle loosener there well wide of off stump, and Husband has nothing to do with that. Good foot movement early on, but not interested in playing at that. Husband looks very focused out there, as well he might, a lot at stake.



0.2 Wife to Husband, Are you... planning to watch... much? 142.3 kph, no run. Questions asked already and a dreadful mix up there, shades of Katich-Watson there. A good ball on off, Husband defended into the covers, said "Yes... wait... no!" before grovelling back to his ground. A lot of nerves out there.  

0.3 Wife to Husband, Who's winning? 144.3 kph, ooh, that's nasty. Wife knows that'll wind him up, but tempts him toplay at a wide one. Canny bowling, she's really getting in his head, and comes a long way down in the follow-through, but Husband sensibly avoids eye-contact.  

0.4 Wife to Husband, It's just that there are a few things we need doing... 141.7 kph, no run. Wife asking questions all the time here, she's settled into a lovely line, and Husband just can't get off strike. I'm not sure if Husband's technique stand up to this constant barrage. 

Warney for Channel 9 is loving it: "I've been in a few of these skirmishes myself." he chuckles. "Best plan: get to the other end and keep your head down!" Well, he'd know. Back to the action.  

0.5 Wife to Husband, And I've had the kids all morning. 145.6 kph, no run. That was quick. Hint of a no ball, as Wife lets go a nasty bouncer which flashes across Husband's eye line. 'Smell the leather' the Windies used to say. Husband is clearly troubled by this, a wicket looks inevitable here.

Steve, from Melbourne, texts in. "This is like McGrath to Atherton!" You're not wrong, Steve. You're not wrong.    


0.6 Wife to Husband, How long does this game last anyway? OUT, 146.2 kph, gone! Wife strikes! That was absolutely unplayable. Stumps all over the place and there is simply no answer to that. Replays show nought but fear in Husband's eyes as that came down. I tell you what, he shouldn't be too upset, even Bradman didn't have an answer to those.  

Barber; The Rules

Last time I went for a hair cut, I took some before and after photos, to test my theory that my barber isn't very good. 

Before

After...

Theory proven.

Most men go to barbers, not hairdressers.

That is because most men believe that only metrosexual-meaning-homosexual-interior-design-loving-Mini-Copper-driving-psychotically-vain-fake-tan-wearing-Arsenal-footballing-lame-os go to Hairdressers.

All men want to have their their hair cut for 5 quid in a barbers, but for it to look like it cost 50 quid in a hairdressers.

Therefore, you find yourself in a dilemma. So, here are some helpful rules for surviving this male monthly cycle.

Barbers. The Rules. 


Choosing Your Barber. 
Geography meets Trial and Error. You must choose the closest barbers to your front door. To do otherwise would be the most blatant Narcissism.

Only once you have received a truly dreadful haircut (see above) from this barber's may you move on to the next nearest.

You simply cannot complain, and continue frequenting that barber's. Worse still, next time, say that you'd rather wait for Frank. If you were that way inclined, you'd be going to a hairdressers.

Time Is Value
The entire process should last about half an hour, from your front door, which you leave with a Hasslehoff-esque buffon (in everyone's mind), to the return, when you look like Brad Pitt (in your mind).

Bathroom v Saloon
Going to the bathroom on a Sunday morning after 8 pints and a curry the night before is to a man what a haircut is to a woman. To both it is an important occassion, both settle in for an hour or so, both will take a good book or the paper, come out feeling at one with the world, expect and fail to receive a compliment from their partner even though they look about the same, and each will be a few pounds lighter.  

The Ten Quid Rule
Never pay more than 10 quid. It won't be worth it, you will, as established, look more or less the same.

The only reason you should possibly pay more than a tenner is if you are having something done, like highlights, in which case you might as well ask for the full trans gender op while you're at it. The other reason is for a coffee, which you can't drink, will be poor quality, and have hairs in it.

Conversation: Three Phase Falseness 
Conversation should mirror the Three Phase Falseness long since applied to long distance flight:
Phase 1. Polite acknowledgement of the other person's existance at the start. Nothing more. Do not be tempted to make an observational comment: "Oh, yeah, I sometimes struggle with my seat belt too... " you'll sound like a berk.
Phase 2. Unless they catch fire or try to light their shoe bomb you show total ignorance towards them until whilst in flight.
Phase 3. Triggered by the key word shortly in the sentence You will shortly be arriving in.. the sudden switch into new-best-friend small talk is acceptable, slowly winding back down to phase 2, then phase 1.

Once off the plane, they cease to exist once again.

For beginners, if you have followed the rule, the entire conversation should run like this.

Phase 1. 
Enter. Ding. There is no queue.

Barber: Yes...
You: Thanks... 

Sit in silence whilst pointless things that don't keep hair away from you are applied. Tolerate this social convention.

Barbers: So what will it be?
You: No2 at the sides; tidy on top.

Shut the hell up, look down immediately.

Unless he is Sweeney Todd he will not attempt further conversation. If he is Sweeney Todd, well, you got bigger problems.

Phase 2.
Unless he cuts your ear off, continue studied silence until he reaches for the hand held mirror.

The mirror is the your trigger, like the word shortly.

Phase 3.

Barber: How's that?
You: Perfect. 
Barber: You from around here?
You: Sure. Here's less than 10 quid. 
Barber: Good bye.  

Straight Talking.
If you've done something wrong, you might have to talk. you might have accidently made eye contact in the mirror, or he's caught you questioning how he made your hair look that bad so quickly.

So if you must talk, talk as you do in the garage. Barbers are hairdressers who believe that they are straight. To affirm this, they will avoid any subjects outside of 60s male staples: stick to the tabloid staples of football, crime and how rubbish women are.

Wax, Gel or Product.
Once your hair cut is complete, the barber will guess by the residue on his fingers what product you had on your hair. They're pretty accurate with this. The answer is to accept whatever he offers you, with one catch. You cannot prompt this.

If he says wax or gel, say 'Great'. Using wax or gel, he will then shape your hair into a style that will make you look the worst you have ever looked in your life.

To add insult, he will then stand back as if to say: That is a better version of what you looked like when you came in. That is what you want to look like. Now get out into public and be laughed at.

If he says product, either wants your phone number, or to be hairdresser, and most likely: both. Your call.

The End

Watch and Think

Sir Ken Robinson: thought provoking and brilliant.

Facially Honest...

I Caught A Brunch And It Was This Big

Wax On, Wife? Off

I quoted a line from The Karate Kid (1984). Katie looked at me blankly.

- You have seen the Karate Kid, haven't you? 

- I know of the Karate Kid... that's the one with Jackie Chan in it.

Unbelievable. She doesn't even understand the title of this entry.