Taxi Driver

Driving in Argentina is too boring, clichéd and flogged conversation to mention. However, for me its the personalities people behind the wheel that are often at least as terrifying as the blurry Grand Theft Auto remake going on in the wide wind screen.

There is a popular blog in Buenos Aires regarding a young lady who gets into a taxi from time to time and says, "Take me to your favourite restaurant", the rates it. A novel concept, but she could save herself the meal and the effort. Just blog the lunatics carrying the cities carless masses around, driving with panache and impunity.

At the moment we seem to be in a particularly black run, so let me relate the Top 3 of 2009, so far.

3. Short, Silent and Bitter

Does exactly what it say on the tin.

- Hola, vamos a San Isidro.

Silence for the entire journey. The tariff is 23.50. I have a 50 notes.

- What the f**k am I supposed to do with a 50? Do I look like I'm carrying around 10 notes, 10 notes everywhere, what do you think? That's not how it works in this country, boludo, what am I suppose to do with a 50, a dios, as if I don't have to drive this boludo up to San Isidro... I tune out.

2. ADD

Attention Deficit Disorder is a disorder that is usually detected in children, upon which they are pumped full or ritalin - a 'stimulant that works like a seditive' - until they have pased out of school and can use their need ot sleep 4 hours a night to good use in a bank. However, not all of them work in bank. Some of them drive taxis in BsAs.

- Hola, como va?

- Hola, vamos a San Isidro, por Maipu, por favor.

- (Recognising accent) So, ah! hola que tal, where you from bonjour hello how are you?

- Scotland.

- Ah, beautiful (and from here on in Spanish) and I love Scotland Scottish people I wish I was still working in the bank. I was a trader. I worked as a trader, banker, it's part of my course to work in lots of differnet jobs it's like a test really in the banks you havre to work many hours so I am working five jobs at the moment, taxi driver, with the Special Forces, as I said a trader...

- Liar?

- ... (not noticing, and at this point I cannot tell you how fast this guy is driving) Yeah, but you've gotto enjoy life, yeah? I love the movies.

- movies?

- Yeah, I finish this work, 6pm to 6am and watch 2 or 3 films.

- When do you sleep?

- I don't really. It's really dangerous (flying in and out of traffic, jumping lights) doing this job without sleep. One slip up, one missed light and pow, that's it, you're gone. Where are you going?

- Yeah. Here is fine.

- Muy bien. Viva la viva amigo!

1. Angry Money Man

Emanating a hatred for the world that is only intensified upoin the realisation that I am foreign, heightened further still upon the revelation that I live here, by choice. I don't get time to answer the questions, which are flying at me like the traffic lights disappearing in the mirror:

- So, where you from?

- Scotland.

- Why?

Thrown... - Er, that's where I was born, and lived...

- No. Why you here?

- Er...

- Work?

- Well, yeah?

- You bring your wife?

- Um, we decided tog...

- What do you earn?

- What?

- What do you do? Lawyer? Business? What?

- I'm a teacher.

- And what does a teacher earn? A month, I mean?

- Um... Well, on average, about 4000

- And in Scotland?

- In pesos or in pounds?

- In pesos, boludo (as in In pesos, dickhead)

- Well, more obviously, about 12000 I guess

And this sets him off into a now I've heard it all style rant

- A dios, he brings his wife over here, shitty city crime getting worse every week Boca can't win a game traffics a joke and he wants to earn peanuts monkey money and he thinks he likes it que boludo and here I am driving him to San Isidro out of my way to take this boludo and his wife back to... I tune out.