Ah, I love this time of year, for in the UK at least, it's exam results time.
It's when the newspapers can rake through last year's cuttings, change the date on last year's headlines and repeat the same old stuff. We all know the routine by now, don't we?
Somehow you find yourself listening to Radio 1, who appear to have taken over from UCAS as the official way to find a course at university. You become aware that it's exam results season and you start reminiscing about how you found out about your results, back in the day when an O level actually meant something, and there was none of this going into schools and shouting at your teachers if you failed then. Oh no. If the results were better than last year they would light the school beacon.
Then you see the papers, and a 7 year old Asian kid is on the front of Times cause he's got 6 As all in Maths A level (Statistics, Pure, Applied, Extended Hypothetical, Hyperextended Hypothetical and Adding) and he's very excited about going to Oxford. And the Daily Mail goes absolutely berserk about how easy the questions are, and links it to immigration and complains about Sex Ed: too much Sex and not enough Ed.
Well, I used to see all of this through the blood tinted spectacles of the bullied and the thick at a London comprehensive. Quite a decent High School really, we had a pass rate of about 50% at GCSE. But let's examine those stats.
It's when the newspapers can rake through last year's cuttings, change the date on last year's headlines and repeat the same old stuff. We all know the routine by now, don't we?
Somehow you find yourself listening to Radio 1, who appear to have taken over from UCAS as the official way to find a course at university. You become aware that it's exam results season and you start reminiscing about how you found out about your results, back in the day when an O level actually meant something, and there was none of this going into schools and shouting at your teachers if you failed then. Oh no. If the results were better than last year they would light the school beacon.
Then you see the papers, and a 7 year old Asian kid is on the front of Times cause he's got 6 As all in Maths A level (Statistics, Pure, Applied, Extended Hypothetical, Hyperextended Hypothetical and Adding) and he's very excited about going to Oxford. And the Daily Mail goes absolutely berserk about how easy the questions are, and links it to immigration and complains about Sex Ed: too much Sex and not enough Ed.
Well, I used to see all of this through the blood tinted spectacles of the bullied and the thick at a London comprehensive. Quite a decent High School really, we had a pass rate of about 50% at GCSE. But let's examine those stats.
That's 50% of students achieving an A* to C. Which means that in the better subjects your Top Set would get a C or above, half your middle set would get a C, and nearly none of your bottom set would get anything.
This was one of the better schools in the area.
This was one of the better schools in the area.
So in this generally pleasant place, a 50% pass rate means that only half of our students passed half of their subjects.
The headlines are seem a bit harsh on these kids. There are few conversations more difficult than trying to console a crying 16 year old who after 12 years of schooling has just got 4 Cs and a Ds, and everything she's been told about the world is that if she 'fails to get 5 GCSEs' she is screwed for the rest of her life; crying her eyes out because she desperately, desperately "did not want to end up like her mum".
This conversation is difficult enough even when you don't have a copy of the Times under your middle-class, coffee drinking, guilt ridden, cardigan-warmed arm, subtly shifting the headline: 'Even a Massive Spaz Can Get an A*' says Philemon, 15, Britain's brightest student, shown here with his 15 A* certificates. "I didn't even know it was test," he joked, through his ironic hoodie.
But in spite of my honest defense of those kids who really do try - and they exist, and really cannot do any better, and really have believed everything they've heard every assembly, every Headmaster's address entitled 'Do Well (To Make Me Look Good)' - I find that I have to, even though it pains me, I have to agree in some part with the dumbed down brigade.
The headlines are seem a bit harsh on these kids. There are few conversations more difficult than trying to console a crying 16 year old who after 12 years of schooling has just got 4 Cs and a Ds, and everything she's been told about the world is that if she 'fails to get 5 GCSEs' she is screwed for the rest of her life; crying her eyes out because she desperately, desperately "did not want to end up like her mum".
This conversation is difficult enough even when you don't have a copy of the Times under your middle-class, coffee drinking, guilt ridden, cardigan-warmed arm, subtly shifting the headline: 'Even a Massive Spaz Can Get an A*' says Philemon, 15, Britain's brightest student, shown here with his 15 A* certificates. "I didn't even know it was test," he joked, through his ironic hoodie.
But in spite of my honest defense of those kids who really do try - and they exist, and really cannot do any better, and really have believed everything they've heard every assembly, every Headmaster's address entitled 'Do Well (To Make Me Look Good)' - I find that I have to, even though it pains me, I have to agree in some part with the dumbed down brigade.
And you will too by the time you read this below. These are examples of "objective testing" questions, otherwise known as multiple choice, from recent GCSE papers. Old lady, beware. The kids are coming after you in a space probe.
GCSE Science (Edexcel, 2006)
Our moon seems to disappear during an eclipse. Some people say this is because an old lady covers the moon with her cloak. She does this so that thieves cannot steal the shiny coins on the surface. Which of these would help scientists to prove or disprove this idea?
A) Collect evidence from people who believe the lady sees the thieves
B) Shout to the lady that the thieves are coming
C) Send a probe to the moon to search for coins
D) Look for fingerprints
GCSE Science (Edexcel, 2006)
Many people observe the stars using
A) A telescope B) A microscope C) An X-Ray tube D) A synthesiser
GCSE Biology (AQA 2008)
When we sweat water leaves the body through…
A) Kidneys B) Liver C) Lungs D) Skin
GCSE Science (Edexcel, 2006)
Our moon seems to disappear during an eclipse. Some people say this is because an old lady covers the moon with her cloak. She does this so that thieves cannot steal the shiny coins on the surface. Which of these would help scientists to prove or disprove this idea?
A) Collect evidence from people who believe the lady sees the thieves
B) Shout to the lady that the thieves are coming
C) Send a probe to the moon to search for coins
D) Look for fingerprints
GCSE Science (Edexcel, 2006)
Many people observe the stars using
A) A telescope B) A microscope C) An X-Ray tube D) A synthesiser
GCSE Biology (AQA 2008)
When we sweat water leaves the body through…
A) Kidneys B) Liver C) Lungs D) Skin
Higher paper in science GCSE, Edexcel
At the astronomical club Alec and Louise discuss the possibility of intelligent life existing on other planets.
Satire is dead. As is Britain: The Next Generation. Long love the moral and educational panic.
Which of the following statements supports the possibility of existence of intelligent life in our galaxy?
A) The galaxy is expanding very quickly
B) The earth is over four billion years old
C) The search for extra-terrestrial intelligence has spent millions of hours analysing signals from space
D) There are so many stars in the galaxy
A) The galaxy is expanding very quickly
B) The earth is over four billion years old
C) The search for extra-terrestrial intelligence has spent millions of hours analysing signals from space
D) There are so many stars in the galaxy
Satire is dead. As is Britain: The Next Generation. Long love the moral and educational panic.
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