Anyone for a Karry?

Take the most irritating parts of living in Indian and Argentina, combine them into one restaurant, call it ALI, and what have you got?

That's right. The Worst Restaurant In The World. I tried to order food from them last year, and the process took over SIX hours. Full story below. 

Inexplicable, in a city where over 50% of the restaurants closed last year including a couple of gems, this place is not only still open for business but has just upscaled and moved to the prime location of MY STREET in Martinez. Well, one away, but it's alarmingly close for comfort. 

Lies, Damn Lies, and Ali: Indian Restaurant

Based on my own experience, I would have to say that the advertising board above the restaurant contains the following misleading information:  

1. That it is Indian. 

2. That it is a Restaurant. 

3. That it does Catering. 

4. That they will do Delivery. 

And if you don't believe me and think this is simple hyperbole, take the Special's Board from last Tuesday as a test of competency:   

Unable to decide between Spanish, English or Indian, the
brain trust behind ALI decided to make up their own language. 

Milanesa is breaded, battered steak, as Indian as... breaded battered steak. Or Chicken Breasts, which is your second option.

Take Away (Your Will To Live)

When I ordered delivery from them last year, I assumed that a place so incompetent would be out of business within a month. Just before Maia was born, craving some Indian spice, I foolishly stepped forth into ALI, San Isidro one fateful afternoon in March.

After the maitre d' confirmed that they did do delivery, I took a menu, made my order, which the maitre d' seemed to take down meticulously, paid the bill of $104 then and there, and cycled back towards home.

After an hour, I thought I'd just call, having written the number down as displayed on their menus. An Argentine girl answered the phone. She appeared to know absolutely nothing about an Indian Restaurant called ALI.

I tried again, assuming I had mis-dialed. Eventually, the idiot girl admitted that she did work at the ALI, but did not know anything about my order. I can only guess that the maitre d' was just visiting mates, and spoke not a word of Spanish, and therein began the confusion.

Me - Si, Fergusson: chicken karry, motton para dos... ?

My recitation of our order seemed to trigger something in her because she cut me off and started, I assumed, reading back my order, only wrongly:

Idiot Girl - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Kebap, Sheema Naan, Korma de Pollo, Korma de Carne, Carne con Naan, Carne sin Naan...

... as I realised during her monotonous enumerating drone that she was reading back the entire menu to me.

Exasperated, I put Katie on the phone. Katie repeated the request to trace the Fergusson order that, I remembered with horror, was ALREADY PAID FOR. If I gave up, as any sane person would do at this point, I would have given away $104. To idiots. I was in this for the long haul.

The Idiot Girl replied, as if to clarify - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Kebap, Sheema Naan, Korma de Pollo, Korma de Carne, Carne con Naan, Carne sin Naan...


Katie handed back the phone.

This is almost the exact opposite
of the food we never actually at.  

Idiot Girl, in fairness, was at quite disadvantage, clearly knowing nothing at all about Indian food, food, how to work in a restaurant nor how to conduct a conversation. Makes being a waitress dealing with phone orders in a karry house rather a tough gig.

Katie gave up and handed me the phone. I asked to speak to someone... at the restaurant?

She put someone from the restaurant on. An Indian male, by his voice. Within seconds I was starting to miss Idiot Girl like a dear friend.

Indian Male - Yes, hello, si, kepab pollo, chikken con kenap, motton sir would you like to try the Sheema Naan, Korman de Pollo, Ferrgussun, carne Naan...
Me - Oh, put Idiot Girl back on the phone, I shouted.
Idiot Girl took the phone.
Idiot Girl - Chicken Kebap, Lamb Kebap, Motton Ke...
Me - Oh don't you start that sh... 

Somehow we fell into a system where I would speak Spanish with Idiot Girl, but she would need assistance on anything to do with food, delivery or life: from Indian Man. She could read a menu, from start to finish, but could not apparently do anything else.

Somehow I communicated that we would like $104 worth of food (any Indian food will do!), as already paid for, and I communicated our address, triple confirmed everything, and put the phone down.

About an hour and a half later, still no food. I called back. We communicated the following:

Me - Hi, remember me? Is my food, you know, ready?
Indian Man - Yes, Fergussam, your food is ready. Actually, it is getting quite cold.
Me - What do you mean?
Indian Man - Ah, Ferboomsong, but we don't have a car or any means of transport.

Well, of course you don't.


Me - Can't you order a taxi, and send them to us with the food?
Indian Man - No. 


Turns out he was right. He couldn't get a taxi to deliver the food. I called our local taxi company, and asked them to send a taxi to ALI's. They wouldn't - saying they don't send taxis unless there is someone at that address. They also said they would not send a taxi to the ALI restaurant.

So I called a different taxi company, intending to lie, saying that I was in the ALI restaurant, and when the taxi was to arrive, the Indian Man could then ask them to deliver the food to me. And pay for the taxi.

This is almost too complicated to write, so you can imagine how unsuccessful I would be explaining this on the phone to Idiot Girl and co.

Incidentally, by this time we'd already had a pizza. It was about 11pm, I think. But I wanted my bloody $104 worth of food!!

But the thought of trying to explain all of that to ALI was too much, so I gave up on the whole taxi thing, and the whole Indian food thing, cancelled the taxi and went to bed.    

Just as I dropped off to sleep, there was a buzz on the door. Wandering downstairs half asleep, I picked up the receiver:

Me - Hola?
Indian Man - Yes, hello, si, kepab pollo, chikken con kenap, motton sir would you like to try the Sheema Naan, Korman de Pollo, Ferrgussun, carne Naan...