If You Do These Things, Stop It.

Yeah. Like that. Exactly like that. 

Here's a list of the most annoying things people can ever do. They're mundane, but that just elevates the amount that I want my own heart to explode, just to give me an escape.

1. Laughing in public, for attention.  You know. That laugh? Technically it's identical to a sincere laugh, but just a millisecond less spontaneous, a microsecond more forced. We're onto you, attention-seaking-laughers. You crave our attention. We loathe you still. No one is going to ask you what's so funny. Note: if people do this, do NOT ask them what was funny. Poke them in the eye.

2. Reading what's on your t-shirt. Just die. Please. Thanks.

In 34 years, I have never even killed so
much as killed someone in a cinema.
And yet do I have even one medal? No.  

3. Almost anything in a cinema screening. Is there anything another human can do in the cinema that doesn't make you want to strangle them with their own intestines? Eating popcorn, checking their phone, talking, chewing, explaining the plot to their half witted friend. When I went to the King's Speech, at the end, a woman turned to her partner and said, as if she's worked out The Usual Suspects after half an hour: Oh, look at that! He did the whole speech without stuttering once! Oh. Wow. Ruined. 

4. Offer their opinion. Here's a good rule of thumb. If you know my name, you may express an opinion to me. Taxi drivers and hairdressers, take special note. 

5. People who still act as though they are bewildered by technology that really is so common that the joke is woefully out of date.
- Idiot: Oh have you got one of those iPods, or iSmabs, or, what are they called, iSpoons?
- Human: Yes, I have an iPad.
- Idiot: Oh, aren't you just the hippest! All the gadgets. What happened to people just talking to each other anyway?
- Human: They used to, then people like you started talking and now they play Angry Birds infinitely as a way of avoiding any social contact ever again.
- Idiot: Hey, what does your t-shirt say... Just. Die. Please.... I don't get it. Are you going to Twoot that? Is that it. Are you on Twoot.com? Am I saying it right? 
- Human: No. 

6. Other jokes woefully out of date: middle class jokes with the punchline hummus or organic. Enough's enough.  

7. People who haven't watched enough TV to find something you say funny. If make a reference to the Hoff, and you don't know who the Hoff is, shame on you. This is your fault, and the awkwardness as you look at me, lost, is entirely your doing. You have killed the moment. Find out what you are doing wrong, correct it, and get back to me as soon as you can: tell me how much you laughed, retrospectively, apologise, and I will forgive you. But have no doubt that it is you who is at fault.

8. Saying Wo-ah when a waiter brings your food to the table. In a really decent restaurant. Seriously: that was painfully embarrassing when you said it at an 8 years old's birthday party at TFIs. Don't do it here, they've a maitre d' and everything. It killed me to get a reservation... Wo-oah, hummus!

9. Asinine Facebook updates. Examples: 

Alex Long has got to get fit. Bill likes this. 

Don't encourage him, Bill.   


Then again, sometimes you get something like this. 

10. Ah, forget it, life's alright. Just re the Alex the werewolf thing again. Credit where it's due.