Travel to Zone 1 or 2.
Avoid at all costs Zone 3, 'The Countryside'
Or Zone 4, 'Middle Earth'.
Deny any attempt that you are aware of the existence of Zones 5 and 6.
Connectivity and Cash
Attach headphones. (Note: acceptable headphones are wannabe-DJ-monster-style-Beats, retro-80s-walkman-foams, or something with a 2-meter-lead that might get you shot by MI5 as you board the tube. Anything but iPhone whites you mainstream mother.)
Insert headphones into smashed iPhone. (Note: smashed is important because anti-capitalist message.)
Connect to free WiFi and start your own micro-business aiming at a niche market that can both leverage and monetize the implicit assetization of the often overlooked stealth classes.
Ka-ching.
Borrow money against said micro-business from someone and buy a house.
Doesn't matter what or where, just something over 15 square metres.
Style and Grooming
Trade your razor, shaving gel and aftershave for a comb.
Begin beard growth.
Comb your hair to the side.
Button all buttons.
Remove your shoes and socks.
Throw away your socks.
Put shoes back on.
Roll up your trouser legs one fold.
If wearing shorts, roll up your shorts one half fold.
No, I'm not joking. This is a thing.
Finishing touches would be old-skool glasses and some tattoos, but basically you're good.
Transport
Ideally, a purchase a ridiculous bicycle.
Failing this, take public transport everywhere.
Don't look where you are going. If you are lost, simply walk without breaking stride onto the nearest moving transport unit.
If necessary, travel endless until, by law of averages, you arrive at your intended destination.
Do not look at a map, stop, slow nor hesitate.
Your average Londoner is both too busy and too important to allow for your fumbling, and will, quite rightly, push you under the nearest moving transport unit.
The London code for this is "Leaves on the line", and will be met with groans of contempt from people who have worked a 17 hour day and regret the lost 17 seconds of free time.
Food and Dining
Eat at... something Pop Up, or expensively anti-capitalist.
Chalk board with amusing pun plus highly descriptive menu should do the job.
The this chicken you're eating was called Billy and was raised in the wilds as part of the volunteer feeding program and chose to be on your plate type of thing.
With couscous or chia seeds or a side of irony.
If you're going to be serious about making money and fitting in, it's crucial to maximize your anti-capitalist statements in small transactions.
Avoid any franchise like EAT, Pret or Starbucks - the same food is available at street stalls for less than double the price.
Drink out of jam jars, that sort of thing.
Drink coffee ordered with New Yorker precision, with tap water (out of a mason jar, or, if in Dalston, a well-rinsed heroin syringe).
Time
Wander about for until beard becomes bushy.
Or about 10 days, whichever comes first.
Monetize
Monetize micro-niche business.
Monetize 15 square metres.
Repay loans.
You are now around half-a-million richer.
Leaving
Go to Heathrow.
Remove headphones.
Switch off smashed smartphone.
That's it.
You're welcome, and you're done.
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