Friday, 29 February 2008

I Think It's Gold

I was reading my Birthing Partner book the other night, specifically what you should say to your beloved while she is labouring away. Apparantly some women don't feel nauseous enough during labour, and require their other half to say some vomit inducing little beauties like We're in this together or Remember, you are the middle of a miracle and, if you can still speak through a broken jaw, sneak in a We're on this journey together.

And after that they tell you: This is not the ideal situation to make jokes.

Well it's pretty frikkin' hilarous, isn't it? By the sounds of things we'll have half of San Isidro gathered in the room to watch the show. We (blokes) don't make jokes because they might be funny, we make jokes because we don't like awkward situations, and a witty riposte is an opportunity to take back a smidgin of control.

Hard to think of a situation where we can ever be in less control. The spotty fetal junior nurse student boy with stubbletash is a bloody expert compared to us. Not make jokes? How dare you? That's all we got.

So, the problem with a lot of these Go Girlfriend books is not just that they're sickingly sincere. The true problem is that they fail to prepare the right person. They try to prepare the guy for what he's going to see and what he'll need to say; and they prepare the girl for both. But this isn't the problem; women know exactly what's going on. They have that weird ability to think ahead.

Exactly. Frankly, there is a dangerous lack of literature preparing the WOMEN for the stupid stuff the MEN are going to say.

As men, it is absolutely inevitable that we're going to say the worst possible thing, and, not happy with that, we're going to say it at the most inopportune moment.

So, let's be honest here, I thought. So I wrote an email to the author of The Girlfriend's Guide, suggesting that women prepare themselves to hear, or observe, some if not all of the following things during labour, in the Books' language:

Girlfriends, during the agonies of labour it helps for you to be prepared for some of the following. He might well feel quite left out by this point, and will doubtless have noticed that all the attention so far has been on you. Whilst he will be really excited about the imminent birth, he might well communicate this through the medium of 'constant tapping'. He is really excited for you, visible by the constant glancing at his watch; do not feel he is rushing you, he is just trying to take control over something. He is definately not thinking about whether you will be done in time for the big game or for Family Guy at ten. No, he is not going to the door and squinting to see next door's TV. He is checking for predators.

Men like to repel attractive women when their beloveds are in labour, so you will find that his conversation with the pretty nurses will be especially stilted and inane. Another sacrifice for you. He will often use strange words to express encouragement and pride, including sporting metaphors like 'Up and Out', 'Steady Away', and, if he's from the Home Counties, 'Heave!' He might show his empathy with your situation, drawing comparisons between your tiredness and his, and might visualise this for you through a nap. (See this as a welcome break from the incessant tapping).

Some men use flattery, telling you how much better you are doing than his last girlfriend. Or he might try to spur you on, by (suggesting the reverse). Either way, you know that by the end of the journey, as long as you've taken time to pay him attention, you will have his undivided adoration.


What do you reckon people? The missing chapter? I think it's gold.

Birth Partners

I am increasinly starting to think that the only thing worse than being too disinterested in your wife's pregnancy is being too interested in it. Having recently received an email from a lovely friend in London, an ex-colleague, with whom we share a due date, following the entry on Maternity Classes, it seems London has gone as far as Buenos Aires in extremes. Here, I am often the only guy who is still awake at the end of the classes (and I don't even know the words). There, guys get looked looked upon with organic scorn if they also do not yearn to feed from their breast.

The conversations have been going something like this:

London:
- So are you the father?
- I prefer the term 'birthing partner'.
- Do you... (To the birth partner with the uterus, formerly known as the 'woman') And is this your first pregancy?
- (Intercepted by birth partner without uterus) Yes, it's the first time we've been pregnant.

Buenos Aires:
- So, are you going to the birth then?
- Er, yeah.
- Yeah, but I mean actually in the room?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Well. Where I'm from if you're not in the room for the birth, you're not really welcome in any room again...
- And you're from...?
- Mars.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Top 5 photos of Buenos Aires




Argentina, one year in...

When trying to write an entry about Argentina one year in (quite a long on, but there is a joke at the end), you naturally try to divide the country into pros and cons, loves and hates, good, bad and ugly. The things that make you think about raising your kid here, and the things that make you think about selling your kid to pay for your way out of here.

But such is the paradox of the place it really is impossible to polarise the country. The best qualities of the country are absolutely the same things that make it so frustrating, or confusing or challenging. So this is an attempt to merge the two: the good within the ugly, the joy through the pain, one year on.

For those of you who saw us in July, sorry. We were rather more experiencing the hardships than the pleasures. Since then we have followed the golden rule of having at least 3 of the following 4 every day: helado ice creams, carne steak, sun and swim. These things helped.

What we love:

- Energy and exuberance: if you meet someone shy, chances are you‘re talking to a Chilean. You experience many things in this city; boredom is not one of them. At the same time, you’ve got a country of people, from about 8 to 80, running on 5 hours sleep, with all the sulkiness and short tempered irritation that comes with it.

- Pride in the country: this manifests itself in how welcome we’ve been made to feel in their country. Our Argie friends go out of their way to look after us and everybody wants to talk to us everywhere we go (we learnt early never to be in a rush to get anywhere) from offers to come to the hospital during the birth of our child to a taxi driver (who we’d been chatting to about the heat and the need for Air Con) tracking us down in a cafĂ© later on with a leaflet on Air Conditioning Units. Or, it could be interpreted as just good old fashioned racism. An adoration of all people and things European (like them of course) and a disdain for all things Latin American. We have been told that this has changed significantly since the 2001 economic crash when Argies realised that they had to work with their Latin American neighbours in order to survive and it must also be caveated that this is a very class-ist view and it tends to be the upper class Argies who still think this way. It is surreal though when watching Dougs play cricket at the Hurlingham Club to be surrounded by posh Argies all speaking English like the best of the Home Counties.

- The lack of aggression in the culture: no road rage (they just beep their horns louder and drive faster); we’ve yet to see a fight in a bar or on the street, and you can cycle down the pavement and the pedestrians apologise for being in the way… And on the other hand you’ve got the barra brava, the football hooligans, the leaders of which when in prison recently were visited by the club’s players. Quality role models, no? And you wouldn’t want to wander the villas (shanty towns) at night.

- The 6 month summer (easily the best part!) and the entire city going on holiday for Jan and Feb. On the other hand, try buying something in January and you’ll find a succession of Closed for Holidays signs. Nah, forget it, that’s an out and out plus. Light bulbs and milk can wait until March.

- Chantas: the Argentine quality, much respected, that means you can talk you way in and out of nearly anything; you see this throughout society, from schools to business, where it’s just as ‘respected’ to talk your way into an exam pass as to actually achieve one. Which leads to corruption, scant respect for the law and total lack of respect for institutions (man do I sound my age). But you will never experience that BURNING RAGE on the Underground when some smug ticket puncher hits you with a £20 fine for trying to get home ‘during peak hour’ on your £9 Off Peak Travelcard that was about 20p cheaper than the other one and you didn’t even ask for it anyway...

- Our flat and pool – they are awesome. The down side? I dunno. Sometimes other people use the pool. Air Con is bad for the ozone layer? Polar Bears can just get better at swimming.

- Creativity and originality – no identikit high streets, a franchise free existence. I’ve been in a supermarket maybe twice in 6 months. Love it! Yeah it’s great to be able to buy a range of world foods in your local Tesco’s, but it’s greater being forced to go out for a meal to get them.

- Informality: “meeting starts at 9am sharp” translates to, “I imagine we’ll run into each other some time tomorrow”. You can swear in meetings without anyone batting an eyelid – where else can you say hijo de putain (son of a b….) as a reply to your boss asking you to do some extra work without it causing offence? - and it’s generally better/more respected to express an extreme opposite opinion than none at all.

- Lack of rules: there is something very liberating about being able to cycle on pavements without anyone screaming at you and buying meat off supermarket shelves that is dripping in blood rather than wrapped in 27 layers of plastic. But this flagrant disregard for rules is most appallingly evident in the driving… (see below)

- Vanity: there are few funnier things than watching someone on a train, on their own, entertain themselves by taking photo after photo of themselves on their digital camera, and reading their expressions of, usually, approval and delight, at the results. It’s the only country where you’ll walk into the gents and see guy grooming their eyebrows; inevitable downside of highest rates of plastic surgery in the world, the average weight of a porteno women must be about 5 stone and societal pressure to be beautiful and glamorous led to one less than beautiful man recently petitioning parliament for a law to protect ‘ugly’ people…..

- Porteros: basically the doormen in each building but so much more than that – the ultimate ‘fixers’ who know a man who can for every situation; take the character in the movie who can get you things, release that character from his twenty stretch, sit them outside your door. V v handy. How will we ever live without them again, not sure.

- Attitudes to kids: they love them, take them everywhere, family is the most important thing in the world to an Argentine. Even Dad’s take an interest in their children here. As a result, kids are so content and well behaved and quite happily wander around restaurants at midnight chatting to complete strangers, being utterly charming and annoying no one.

What we don’t love so much:
- The driving is frikkin appalling, 20 people are killed a day in the city and 44% of those are pedestrians, in full knowledge of this people still let their kids climb around inside moving cars, there is no concept that the lines down the middle of the road/motorway designate a novel idea called ‘lanes’, seatbelts are for losers and helmets are an accessory to be worn on your wrist while weaving your motorbike at 140km/hr in and out of traffic on the autopista. Its appalling and the ‘reasoning’ behind it is pathetic, typically ‘its our cultural right to drive fast’, ‘people know it’s dangerous but… what are you gonna do?’ No excuse, it makes India look like Sweden.

- Customer service does not so much run on the mantra that The Customer Is Always Right then The Customer Is Most Likely A Twat, starting with rudeness and degenerating from there. A friend of ours tried to get a book copied in a photocopying shop only to be told it had too many pages (?!) so they wouldn’t do it, you get hung up on by operators, Christ you get hung up on by telemarketers (though no complaints there); we have no idea how these people make any money.
- The bureaucracy: queues queues and more queues. Queues just to get a number for your place in the queue. Each task requires 572 signatures obtained in 72 different buildings (I have significantly lowered my expectations of what I can get done in a day!). Last week I (Katie) was told that I needed to obtain a doctor’s note to prove to my medical insurance company that I was pregnant. As I could hardly see the man over the top of my belly, I could only presume he was joking but upon further bemused enquiry he remained resolute so off I waddled to building number 492 of the day.

What we miss:
- don’t laugh, but at times (such as the Davis Cup tennis), good old fashioned British politeness
- and efficiency!
- British satire – TV, radio, newspapers – god bless podcasts
- the BBC: it is nice to be able to believe things sometimes
- earning pounds
- bacon sarnies
- baked beans
- cricket on TV (Katie)
- not having to look both ways (and up) when crossing a one way street
- taking a taxi without first having an argument with the driver about the necessity of digging the seatbelts out of the boot before the journey commences….
- being able to go places outside the city for the weekend without flying (apparently these places do exist but you need a car and to think that a 6 drive each way is a relaxing start and finish to a 2 day weekend)
- all of you lot (told you there was a joke at the end)

Saturday, 23 February 2008

"Why you put me a six, meester?"

The Argentine Education system is as follows.
- Every student is given a grade by their teacher, once a trimester.
- Every student needs to average 7 by the end of the year to pass.
- If you fail, and get a 6, you return for exams in December.
- If you fail those, you return for extra exams in February.
- All of those exams are set and marked by teacher internally (eg you set the bar).

Around exam time, and grade time, I often have a disgruntled little fella (usually fella) approach me in a corridor, demanding, 'Why you put me a 6, meester?'

A lot can be read into this sentence. Firstly, it means 'Why did you give me a 6 in my trimester grades' and inplies, 'and as a consequence I will now be faced with resit exams'. But what irritates me more about this accusation is the lack of responsibility of the student. Not, why did I get a 6 (with the inference, how can I improve): not how did I fail but how did you fail me.

The 7 pass/6 fail is in many ways a reductionist system, the difference between 6 and 7 being exponentially greater than between 7 and 8, leading to culture where one might be inclined only to aim to pass. Conversely, there is little provision for students with learning disabilities other than to do it again (either the work, the exam or the year: within which lies the wonderful educational paradox of 'catching up by going slower').

Like many students, my first year at University 'didn't count' towards my overall degree (how can that make sense?) and you needed to 'achieve' 40% to pass in second year. Now, I'm the first to admit that I had the intellectual maturity of a kinder student (or even Kinder Egg) throughout 1996, but even taking that into account, you couldn't help but notice that the prevailing attitude was that anything over 40% was good time wasted. But a year of aiming for the minimum can be habit forming, and my point is not to look for an apology for 'achieving' a 2:2 from Loughborough (an apology in itself) but simply to point to the the fact that we average people tend to respond towards incentives.

Now, that lack of incentive to achieve beyond the average is the system here. Even the cliche's hold the importance of 'reaching for the sky' as being tantamount to success. Don't get me wrong, such low expectations can lead to a very laid back existence, for students and teachers. Besides, you set and mark all the papers, so any failing is in reality your choice (there is no baseline assessment). So the kids are right when they ask why did you put them a six. Which takes us back to the point about ownership.

One of my favourite education quotations is that: Education is not the filling of a bucket, it is the lighting of the flame.

So, to extend this metaphor, make it culturally appropriate, and stretch it beyond its maximum elasticity, and to describe this system which teaches its students the following values, in Chinese whispers, is as follows:

"Education in this system is the putting of a bucket on your head, and setting your self on fire."

"If you are educated you can set a bucket on flame."

"If you struggling in this education system, you might struggle to fill a bucket."

And finally:
"Education is not the putting of a six, it is the putting of a 7."

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Women!

Interesting: whilst reading up a bit about gender, as you do, I stumbled upon this classic from Aristotle. It's not exactly news that some of those old brains were pretty convinced there was no need for women, but next time you quote Aristotle (come on, you're always doing it), remember he said this: 

A husband and father... rules over wife and children, both free [i.e. neither is a slave], but the rule differs, the rule over his children being a royal, over his wife a constitutional rule. For although there may be exceptions to the order of nature [i.e. occasionally a wife may be wiser than her husband], the male is by nature fitter for command than the female... But in most constitutional states the citizens rule and are ruled by turns, for the idea of a constitutional state implies that the natures of the citizens are equal, and do not differ at all. Nevertheless, when one rules and the other is ruled we endeavour to create a difference of outward forms and names and titles of respect... The relation of the male to the female is of this kind, but there the inequality is permanent.
 
 

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Argentina vs MCC

Hola Chicos,
 
This is the Argentine Team to play the MCC on Wednesday February 6 at St Georges College. The game is being played on the new grass wicket which the MCC provided funding for its construction.
 
The game is a 50 over match and will start at 11am, so please try to be at the ground by 9.50am to start warm-ups at 10am. The game is being played in whites and shirts will be provided by the ACA.
 
The team is-
 
Dougal Fergusson
Bernardo Irigoyen
Hamish Barton
Grant Dugmore
Gary Savage
Martin Siri
Mark Roberts wk
Billy MacDermott ©
Paul Ryan
Agustin Casime
Steven Nino

12th man to be named

 

Please confirm with me your availability.

Abrazo,

Hamish

Hamish Barton
Argentine Cricket Association
National Coach/High Performance Manager