I Think It's Gold

I was reading my Birthing Partner book the other night, specifically what you should say to your beloved while she is labouring away. Apparantly some women don't feel nauseous enough during labour, and require their other half to say some vomit inducing little beauties like We're in this together or Remember, you are the middle of a miracle and, if you can still speak through a broken jaw, sneak in a We're on this journey together.

And after that they tell you: This is not the ideal situation to make jokes.

Well it's pretty frikkin' hilarous, isn't it? By the sounds of things we'll have half of San Isidro gathered in the room to watch the show. We (blokes) don't make jokes because they might be funny, we make jokes because we don't like awkward situations, and a witty riposte is an opportunity to take back a smidgin of control.

Hard to think of a situation where we can ever be in less control. The spotty fetal junior nurse student boy with stubbletash is a bloody expert compared to us. Not make jokes? How dare you? That's all we got.

So, the problem with a lot of these Go Girlfriend books is not just that they're sickingly sincere. The true problem is that they fail to prepare the right person. They try to prepare the guy for what he's going to see and what he'll need to say; and they prepare the girl for both. But this isn't the problem; women know exactly what's going on. They have that weird ability to think ahead.

Exactly. Frankly, there is a dangerous lack of literature preparing the WOMEN for the stupid stuff the MEN are going to say.

As men, it is absolutely inevitable that we're going to say the worst possible thing, and, not happy with that, we're going to say it at the most inopportune moment.

So, let's be honest here, I thought. So I wrote an email to the author of The Girlfriend's Guide, suggesting that women prepare themselves to hear, or observe, some if not all of the following things during labour, in the Books' language:

Girlfriends, during the agonies of labour it helps for you to be prepared for some of the following. He might well feel quite left out by this point, and will doubtless have noticed that all the attention so far has been on you. Whilst he will be really excited about the imminent birth, he might well communicate this through the medium of 'constant tapping'. He is really excited for you, visible by the constant glancing at his watch; do not feel he is rushing you, he is just trying to take control over something. He is definately not thinking about whether you will be done in time for the big game or for Family Guy at ten. No, he is not going to the door and squinting to see next door's TV. He is checking for predators.

Men like to repel attractive women when their beloveds are in labour, so you will find that his conversation with the pretty nurses will be especially stilted and inane. Another sacrifice for you. He will often use strange words to express encouragement and pride, including sporting metaphors like 'Up and Out', 'Steady Away', and, if he's from the Home Counties, 'Heave!' He might show his empathy with your situation, drawing comparisons between your tiredness and his, and might visualise this for you through a nap. (See this as a welcome break from the incessant tapping).

Some men use flattery, telling you how much better you are doing than his last girlfriend. Or he might try to spur you on, by (suggesting the reverse). Either way, you know that by the end of the journey, as long as you've taken time to pay him attention, you will have his undivided adoration.

What do you reckon people? The missing chapter? I think it's gold.