Babies Names

When you're called Dougal, choosing a name for your little dude is simultaneously a cathartic experience and an opportunity. One the one hand you can right old wrongs and ensure that your child is not sniggered at stared at whenever they are calling the roll at school. On the other hand, you could resign them to the ranks of normality but calling them something universally unoriginal, never giving them the opportunity to answer the question: Yes, but what's your real name? A very polite people fall back on: Oh. Is it a family name? (Meaning, of course, do you have an excuse for that?)

To aid us in this dilemma, someone lent us the book, 10001 Babies Names. It sits in the bathroom, and as such one occasionally stumbles across the odd cracker... Again, as a Dougal, I'm on shaky ground taking the mick out of anyone's names, although I feel I am on particularly safe ground with any of the following beauties. I thought it amusing to put these in context, because it's easy to forget that these people are people:

- Oddrun
As in Come on Oddrun, you're going to be late (for your conselling)
- Chakakham
How would you tell off that kid without breaking into song? What have you done, Chakakhan, you silly boy, Chakakhan, you broke my mirror, Chakakhan...
- Conk
As in Please, just out the gun down, Conk, we can talk this through.
-Rockelle
As in that wrestler 'actor' the Rock's sister
- Schmoopie
As in, Dad, is it true that if I turn the car on and put a hose through the exhaust back into the window I can die from Carbon Monoxide poisoning, and thereby no longer be called...
- Tree
As in, You must be frikkin kidding me, you're calling your kid Tree? Which is hardly satisfied by the explanation. Yes, it means 'sturdy'. (Making it one of finite names where the explanation is a better name than the name)
- The
As in, I'd like to introduce you to The. To which I'm sure 'The' would often reply, And I would like you to burn in oil.

(Footnote: I should point out that The is from Thailand, and probably does not provoke hilarity in the Thai tonal tongue. However, spare a thought for the Kunti twins, who a friend of mine taught in Tower Hamlets. Recently moved from Bangladesh, how could the two little Kuntis have known what verbal bullying awaited them in the English speaking world. Unfortunately, it doesn't end there. As if that wasn't tough enough, the boy was called Ama and the girl? Seema. Tough call, no?)