Where Have All The Boys Gone?

Fact, boys are dying out. At first I though it was simply because we were having a girl, and so you start to notice little people everywhere, especially little girls. But whilst travelling in Chile I became increasingly conscious that there did not appear to be a boy younger than the age of two anywhere in the country.

After some basic research it turned out that they actually weren’t trying to ‘even things up with China’ as I had supposed and I realised I had stumbled upon something really quite huge.

To escape any danger of objectivity or bias, I turned to my old friend, science. Using the technique of Content Analysis, as used by Einstein, I applied this to the streets of Santiago over two separate and otherwise unrelated days. The results are shocking, from a Scientific point of view:

Day 1: Boys under two: 5 Girls under two: 17
Day 2: Boys under two: 6 Girls under two: 13

We’ve all been so busy worrying about Climate Change – a subject one invariably reads about on a long haul flight – that we’ve somehow missed this one. Where have all the boys gone? What is nature trying to tell us? Jeremy Clarkson wrote hilariously about the screw top wine bottle being the fall of the last bastion of masculinity. Maybe that was the catalyst.

However, whilst thinking what total load of balls (or actually, a lack of…) this was, and I was making up silly statistics to justify writing a humble blog entry, I could hardly contain my surprise to read an article about this subject in The Sunday Times. Apparently I was not the first to spot this global sensation. The only difference being that I think the science and research I used was more accurate.

Homo Erectus Extinctus was the title to her article. Always good to start with a nob gag, I think. Anyway, Lois Roper wrote for The Sunday Times (and that’s a proper rag, so she’s a proper writer) a number of statements based on the most tenuous of links. She attacks the ' useless Y chromosome', which is a bit harsh on us fellas, me thinks, but one quote is particularly illustrative.

Roper states that 'in Marie's ante natal clinic, 4 of the 10 couples there are part of lesbian couples.'

Marie's is a gay woman and runs the clinic with her gay partner, in Hebden Bridge, the gayest town in Britain, according to the article (although not her choice of adjective), where '1 in 5 of the population is a gay woman', and the centre for gay adoption in the gayest place in the UK. Hmm.

Applying Roper's research methods, I found some interesting stuff. I surveyed some women at the recent Bebel Gilberto in BsAs, and 11 of the 12 I spoke to wanted to be, and were, lesbians. An incredible 92%. So that settles it.

Then again, it's not the easiest topic to find out about. When I googled ‘how many women want to be lesbians’, my laptop exploded.