How to make the perfect mate

Hank (above) was well prepared for his first day in Buenos Aires.

Spot the traveller is a particularly simple game in Buenos Aires. Look for a pasty fella wearing one of those Peruvian goat herding hats with the big flappy ears. There's your indiginous traveller.

Having fancied myself as something of a lefty, I cannot be such a hypocrit as to accused fellow pasties of overdoing the cultural assimilation.

But I am on safe ground with the following irksome fools. The foreigner stepping off the plane and immediately apeing every norm and customs of whatever country they happen to be in now. You know they type: they bow to customs officials in the East, wear a paddie fields farmers hat across Vietnam, help chase people of their land in Zim... Them.

My personal irritation is directed towards BsAs tourists ostentatiously drinking mate (as in mah-tay, the part green tea part cocaine stuff that half of Latin America, and all of Argentina and Uruguay are addicted to) on the streets of Buenos Aires.

Sitting in a cafe only yesterday, an American girl was telling her friends loudly (sorry about the stereotype, but it's how it happened) how much she just loved mah-tay, whilst pouring herself a mah-tay, only for the waitress to have to return, refill and repour the whole thing for her, such a mess had she made. There is an extra, special level of embarrassment reserved for that moment, when you're blagging great street cred, and get found out. Like when I told my mates at school I could do kung fu at primary school, only for Jackie Chan to visit... got my ass kicked.

Now, this might sound like making a cup of tea, but as any Argie will tell you, it's a lot more complex than that. There's a whole ceremony and everything.

So I thought I should post a losers guide to pouring the perfect mate, in order to save Jonny Traveller that cringing state of embarrassment.

How To Pour The Perfect Mate

You will need to purchase the following at your choice of overpriced stall. Look for anyone wearing an unrealistic amount of leather. You will need a wooden mate bowl (called a gordo) a bag of yerba leaves (pronounced herba), a silver straw called a bombonero and lots of sugar, a thermos or a kettle filled with boiling water (the herbas will be full of bacteria and disease, such as syphillis, so make sure your water is boiling hot).

This ritual is ideally performed in an authentic Latin America place. The presence of not one Latin American is an excellent indication.

1. Lift your goat herding hat free from your sleep deprived eyes.
2. Fill the gordo with the herbas.
3. Add the sugar. Mate is foul in its natural state, so sweeten a lot. I would recommend about one part herba, one part sugar.
4. Take your boiling water and pour to the top of the gordo.
5. Stuff in the silver straw, the bombonero, through the herbas and sugar and into the gordo, so to speak.
6. Wait to cool.
7. Drink and tell people how much you are enjoying the drink, revelling in the culturalness of it all.
8. Finish and refill. Do NOT share: mate is considered sacred to the Inca, and to share such a gift would be a heinous insult.

And now you'll never look like a git again.