Emile, Henman, Englishness and Anger

Explain the inexplicable: why does Capello pick Heskey? England supporters and management alike repeat the following: that Heskey, whilst himself not very good, is a player they choose because others play better around him.

Fair enough, you say. It 'worked in qualifying'.

Though by that rationale they should really play someone even worse than Heskey. Like if I played for Barcelona: I reckon the players around he would look amazing. Or is it  the 'team plays better when reduced to 10 men' adage. Essentially, England start with 10, so as to get the most out of the rest?

But when you play with someone who is not as good, it's just annoying. You don't think: ah well, at least I look frikkin' tops. And aren't the rest of the boys trying hard.

You think, why can't you ever pass me the ball? Or, why do you fall over so much? Or, why did you just kick that ball way over there, while I am standing way over here. Unmarked. You tool.

English people often get annoyed when the Scots don't support their team. Fair enough. But they're a tough team to like, England. I always hated Tim Henman: not because he was English, but because he was as soft as a dog-eaten tennis ball when put under pressure. I liked the Linekar team in 1990. They had a bit of guts, and Gazza cried because he was trying to think and play at the same time. But you can't like a team that hasn't got any bottle.

(Sing)
But when one Green lost his bottle and accidentally threw the ball into his own net for no apparent reason) there was no Green nor bottle left standing there at all, while all that pre-tournament confidence smashed against the wall.

But it was your man Capello who'd started it. Who makes substitutions in the first half of a first World Cup game?

Who drops a player, keeper or not, after one mistake?

When a team is playing well, you can drop someone for one mistake: that raises the level, and is healthy competition for places. When they're playing with less cohesion than their own Panini stickers, and you drop someone for one mistake, you kill a side's confidence.

It's not about too much expectation: every side has their own mental media who talk them up: Holland, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, Portugal... they're all expected to win or suffer. And it's not about quality, or fitness, or lack of preparation either. It's about Tim Henman, and confidence that lasts until the first mistake.

And why does the press get so angry? Why do the fans, and the phone in people? Because they recognise that weakness, that ingrained politeness in public, and they hate seeing the result of it on the field.

Why does Maradona's Hand Of God goal wind the English up so much? 'Cause the guy got away with murder, on the biggest stage, and had the balls to enjoy it. Oh, and it cost them a World Cup final. Ah, if that had been Heskey... no, he would maybe have handed it down for someone else to score... or maybe handed it close to the goal... Nah. It just doesn't work.

Watch Green get made a scapegoat by the phone-ins press and the red tops, and remember that it is only themselves they hate. Then watch Big Diego lapping up this maddest of World Cups, throwing on world class strikers like a teenager playing FIFA Wii, and coaching a team who play with visible fear of failure that still doesn't affect their game, and you tell me who it's easier to like.

Come on England. F***ing sort yourselves out, 'cause I'm hating seeing my own can't-send-food-back-in-a-restaurant passivity being held up for all the world to see.