Chau El Diez: it's Been Emotional

So, it's goodbye Diego. The soap opera to the Diego as coach finale ends rather abruptly, with the AFA unable to agree terms with the big man.

Shame on them. They just denied football its best press conferences since José Mourinho circa 2003.

The final chapter went as follows.

After the disgraceful early exit to a country who expects a final, la selección returned to a heroes' welcome from South Africa, met by thousands of adoring fans at Ezeiza aiport (below), suffering from what psychologists call FMA, or Flash Mob Amnesia, the AFA announced that "only Diego" knows what he needs. Diego then took the stand, an confirmed that "only Diego knows what Diego wants for the future", upon which he said he needed a couple of week off to think over such a big decision.

Loyalty or Idiocy 

Funny, considering he took literally minutes, it seemed, selecting the squad. Say, 2 minutes?


(Internal Monologue) Rubbish local guys who like me... Palermo... Otamendi... check.  Brilliant players from somewhere called Europa and fancy clubs like Internationale who don't like me... cross. Done.  


Anyway, big Diego came back and insisted that they kept on his seven man army of advisors and assistants, and wanted to add four more.

Apparently running a nepotistic army out of the AFA pockets was too much, and Bilardo, the AFA Pres was quoted, wonderfully, as saying his opinion of Diego's demands was "the opposite", and that was that.

Never, ever, one to take rejection kindly Diego has since gone on the warpath in the press, stating that he was, predictably, lied to, cheated on, mislead and that no one loves him... the usual spiel.

As a final note and vote of absoluely no confidence whatsoever, the interim coach recalled almost all of the big name absentees for the first post World Cup game, August 11th v Ireland.

Watch out for the next headline:
Rejection Revenge Rampage As Maradona Guns Down AFA President Bilardo In Drug Fueled Frenzy In Crowded Bar. 'No Witnesses' State Local Police.  

Argentina v Germany

Bit quiet here.

Argentina v Germany

As official football correspondant from within Argentina, I have to report that the feeling is that this might be a step too far for Diego's happy mental army. Brazil going out today led to both wild celebrations and increased nerves concerning tomorrow's game.

Whilst much of the fear of Germany is based on an outdated impression of the German team as workmanlike emotionless robots, rather than the multicultural flair and flaw filled fellas they truly are, there remains a feeling of quietly resiegned, almost English, they-did-us-in-2006-and-they-are-going-to-do-us-again... ness. Germany are just a bit too quick, a bit too sharp, and a bit too... well, German... for this brilliant and barmy Diego army.

That said, in a country of contradiction, there is simultaneously not a single person who doesn't believe that Argentina is going to win.  

All the talk at the moment is of the psychic pulpo, and that hot Paraguayan fan. (scroll down a bi from every Latin American teenage boys' favourite website at the moment. Stop when you get to 'the boobs'...)

They think they believe Messi is going to score, that Mascherano will neutralise Özil, and that the (slow, creaky) Argentina's back four will defend as deep as a Lampard goalline. If Diego keeps his head and doesn't pick Jonás Gutierez, largely agreed to be rubbish even for Newcastle, and if... and if.. and if... then the entire place is going to go up tomorrow.

Never mind that it kicks off 11am local time. They're more than capable of dancing from a 1pm finish till late the early morning.  So, in the words of any impartial Argentine commentator before a live game on TYC Sports or Canal 15: ¡Vamos Diego! ¡Vamos Argentina! ¡Vamos Muchachos! ¡Vamos ¡Vamos! ¡Vamo!! ¡Vamo!!

Emile, Henman, Englishness and Anger

Explain the inexplicable: why does Capello pick Heskey? England supporters and management alike repeat the following: that Heskey, whilst himself not very good, is a player they choose because others play better around him.

Fair enough, you say. It 'worked in qualifying'.

Though by that rationale they should really play someone even worse than Heskey. Like if I played for Barcelona: I reckon the players around he would look amazing. Or is it  the 'team plays better when reduced to 10 men' adage. Essentially, England start with 10, so as to get the most out of the rest?

But when you play with someone who is not as good, it's just annoying. You don't think: ah well, at least I look frikkin' tops. And aren't the rest of the boys trying hard.

You think, why can't you ever pass me the ball? Or, why do you fall over so much? Or, why did you just kick that ball way over there, while I am standing way over here. Unmarked. You tool.

English people often get annoyed when the Scots don't support their team. Fair enough. But they're a tough team to like, England. I always hated Tim Henman: not because he was English, but because he was as soft as a dog-eaten tennis ball when put under pressure. I liked the Linekar team in 1990. They had a bit of guts, and Gazza cried because he was trying to think and play at the same time. But you can't like a team that hasn't got any bottle.

(Sing)
But when one Green lost his bottle and accidentally threw the ball into his own net for no apparent reason) there was no Green nor bottle left standing there at all, while all that pre-tournament confidence smashed against the wall.

But it was your man Capello who'd started it. Who makes substitutions in the first half of a first World Cup game?

Who drops a player, keeper or not, after one mistake?

When a team is playing well, you can drop someone for one mistake: that raises the level, and is healthy competition for places. When they're playing with less cohesion than their own Panini stickers, and you drop someone for one mistake, you kill a side's confidence.

It's not about too much expectation: every side has their own mental media who talk them up: Holland, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, Portugal... they're all expected to win or suffer. And it's not about quality, or fitness, or lack of preparation either. It's about Tim Henman, and confidence that lasts until the first mistake.

And why does the press get so angry? Why do the fans, and the phone in people? Because they recognise that weakness, that ingrained politeness in public, and they hate seeing the result of it on the field.

Why does Maradona's Hand Of God goal wind the English up so much? 'Cause the guy got away with murder, on the biggest stage, and had the balls to enjoy it. Oh, and it cost them a World Cup final. Ah, if that had been Heskey... no, he would maybe have handed it down for someone else to score... or maybe handed it close to the goal... Nah. It just doesn't work.

Watch Green get made a scapegoat by the phone-ins press and the red tops, and remember that it is only themselves they hate. Then watch Big Diego lapping up this maddest of World Cups, throwing on world class strikers like a teenager playing FIFA Wii, and coaching a team who play with visible fear of failure that still doesn't affect their game, and you tell me who it's easier to like.

Come on England. F***ing sort yourselves out, 'cause I'm hating seeing my own can't-send-food-back-in-a-restaurant passivity being held up for all the world to see.

Crouch Homework

Homework: Write Peter Crouch jokes. Some of these are pretty good. 



"Crouch missed that header at the end of the USA game cause they were playing at altitude and, as he was going for the ball, he bumped his head on the sky."


"Does Crouch struggle more or less at altitude? One the one hand, he should be used to it, one the other, he's not really a very good footballer."


"Crouch was picked as he didn't count as a travelling player in the 23. They just got Gerrard to fold him into hand luggage."


"Why did they bring on Peter Crouch?"


"

World Cup Fever: Update

Flicking the channels during the advert break in Goles Del Mundial this evening, when I stumbled upon some volleyball on ESPN.

I actually looked around to check I hadn't been caught. It seems somehow dirty and wrong to have anothr sport other than football on the TV at the moment.  

 

Maradona, World Cup Fever and... Education?

They say that there is a fine line between madness and genius.

Well, Maradona makes that fine line look pretty freakin' wide. When not playing Seniors Invitation 5-a-side matches, I say playing, but playing like a walking heart attack would be more accurate, or shooting up reporters, or plain old shooting up, or inviting his critics to chupa him, or claiming that Pele lost his virginity to a man, he's got a job.


He is the current Education Secretary. Well, more or less. He's been helping shape the curriculum during the World Cup to help cut the numbers of kids bunking lessons. Hilarious.

But seriously, he's actually the manager of the national team. And as manager of la selección de Argentina, he has at his fingertips arguably the most talented pool of players in the world approaching the World Cup in South Africa. I say pool, because his provisional squad has done much to reduce that pool, leaving out in the cold some of the outstanding players in the world.

Out... are Gonzalo Higuain, the wonderkid at Real, Inter Milan's outstanding Cambiasso and Zanetti both dropped, apparently due to their alliegance to former coach Basile, which accounted for Riquelme's omission when Madaprimadona took over 2 years and ONE HUNDRED players ago. Gago, the Real adonis, who is surely simply too pretty to drop, has gone, as well as Barça blocker Gabriel Milito. 

In... their place come a series of local players, mostly decent pros who've had good domestic seasons and, crucially, haven't crossed el diego. But, and this might also be crucial, they're totally untried and untested.  

One tried and tested international, Maradona's apparent darling, is 37 year old Martín Palermo. Being from Scotland, I find it impossible not to compare Palermo - a god in domestic Argentine football - to Rodney Wallace. Wallace, a Southampton winger who never scored more than 10 goals in a season in England, came to Rangers and never scored less than 10 a week. Palermo did score the goal that sealed Argentina's qualification, thereby becoming an overnight sensation. This makes little difference to me. Unless he wins the golden boot in South Africa, he'll still just be the guy who missed three, yes THREE penalties in an international match. Yes, one MATCH. Whether you speak Spanish or not, you gotta love that commentry. Por favor? Por dios? How can you do that?     

In spite of the above, Argentina still, easily, have enough talent to make the semis, and then with a bit of momentum they'll take some stopping. And I for one would love to be here during a good world cup run. The place wil go beserk. People continually make paralells to 1986. It's like the English with 1966, except two decades more relevant. In '86 there was also an earthquake in Chile. In '86 they announced a shock squad. In '86 they struggled to qualify... so... you know...?

It's Shite Being Scottish
Have I become an Argie hincha? Well, yeah. More camera time for Diego, for one thing. Plus, it beats the crap out of supporting Scotland. The fact is I can name every goal Scotland have scored in World Cups since I have been alive from memory (aka without google). How tragic is that? And so, I guarantee you, can everyone else in Scotland. Ask the next Scot you meet. They'll say something like this:

Stuart McCall, goal mouth scramble, Mo Johnson (penalty?) John Collins, penalty, (although it really counts as two goals cause it was against BRAZIL, Craig Burley, quite a good lob, I can even go back to David Narey's in 1982. I even remember Archie Gemmell in 1978 and I was only 10 months old.

But to continue the Trainspotting theme, it is shite being Scottish, never worse than approaching a world cup, and living in Argentina where everyone just assumes your team qualifies. Ah, Sir, when are Scotland playing? Are you going to miss the world cup games? Yes, but it's alright, we've had 3 games in 20 years. 1998. Worst of the lot.

You get used to it. It's almost less painful then when we do qualify, where we draw with the beatable team, lose to the shock qualifiers from the Middle East/war torn state you'd never even heard of, then almost-but-not-quite-out-pull-off-miracle-victory-no-we-don't-here-we-frikkin'-go-again-against the world class team who make the finals.

Ah, maybe the Argie rejects might find some Scottish blood in there somewhere. We could do with a touch of Latin flair in our big for 2014. Imagine what Diego might do with oor boys?