Six Feet Under

Twickenham, London.

I first saw this sign when I was about 17, chuckle every time I pass it, finally photo'd it last Summer, finally loaded it to the blog. Dark sense of humour or the family calling?

If a man speaks...

Usually I hate the use of external personal space, like a t-shirt or a car or someone's forehead to advertise something about your clearly deficient personality, but somehow the Kiwis do it better than most.

The Americans, I'm afraid, are terrible. You'll see Proud Parent Of A High School Graduate emblazoned on the rear of a U-Haul. Or, humiliatingly, for the overseers of the high school drop outs, Proud Parent Of A Great Kid. An honorable exception, I do have to mention that my big bro, resident of North Carolina, once saw, Poke A Badger With A Spoon, a brilliantly specific reference to Eddie Izzard's idea of an 'original sin'. Banksy would've be proud of that.

The Brits are worse, usually involving a cartoon of one football supporter urinating on the shirt of their rival team. Yeah, that'll shows 'em, all right. It will show them that you are an even bigger tool than anyone could possibly have imagined.

This, however, is a cracker. Modestly placed on a big ol' Land Rover, is this beautiful musing on gender and philosophy:

If a man speaks in the woods...

... and there is no woman around...

... is he still wrong?

New Flat

We're moving. I would say we've moved, but until you can see the floor for boxes, I think you're moving...

It's like a microcosm for the country, this flat. Like Argentina, its pros outweigh the cons. like Argentina, it could be amazing if only things had been done properly in the first place. But once you build one hasty cheap fix upon another impulsive short term solution, then you find yourself in a flat where you switch on a tap and a window breaks.

Still, having a Gin and Tonic on the roof terrace in the sultry evening last night, it wasn't hard to focus on the pros...

5 Things To Know About New Zealand

1. Talk weather.

2. Deny you're from Auckland.

3. When in the Waiarapa, you're either not from Auckland, or you're a bogun. In this case, ignore Rule 2.

4. If you are an absolute moron, pass the time by calling your local radio station.

Meet Carl:

- Hi Carl, thanks for calling. So, how was your New Year's then?

- Good.

- Yeah? Awesome. So, what did you do?

- Got drunk.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- Yeah...

- Yeah... I got drunk.

- (Awkward pause) Well Carl, thanks for calling. Line 7...

The Pie (national radio feature)

"... it's always been a mystery to me how the pie has never become more popular in the United States. It's not that it's not eaten, or you cannot find the pie, but it has always been a disappointment that the pie has not reached the iconic stage that it has here in New Zealand..."

No, bigger disappointment tha your entire life. Line 4?

Meet Jenny:
- Hi Jenny, on line 4. 
- Hi.
- Happy New Year, Jenny. 
- Thanks. 
- So... (awkward pause) Have you bought your new calendar yet?
Jenny hangs up. Fair call. 

5. And finally, quote Crowded House. You know that song, Four Seasons In One Day? Well that happens here quite a lot actually? That you get a very changeable weather? As if you have Four Seasons In A...?

Yup. I got it.

Resolutions 2010

I hereby promise to try to do or not do each of the following for the duration of 2010 until I forget or stop or can't face it anymore:

1. Present And Correct 

To not complain, or "act like I have been stabbed", when 'we' buy a present for someone. 

2. Vanity Fair 

To tread carefully the line between vanity and vulgarity.  Bodily hair aptly illustrated this point. To talk about it is vain, not leave it is vulgar. Especially when you hit your thirties, and the only hair you seem to grow is nasal. 

3. Ostrich/Swan

To learn the littlest thing about the nature and the animals.  One should, apparently, be able to offer more information to a child about an animal than how it tastes.

4. Trustworthy and Versatile

Not to just use the T.V. as a babysitter. It can be so much more: teacher, friend, confidante, mentor, guru, life coach...

5. Why21k

To run the 21k on 3/21, beating into submission each brother, whether older or younger, whether they run in North Carolina or London, in a time less than 1hr 40mins.

Done.    

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year, Grandmas, homees and all those in between.

One of the best things about New Year's is that you get to make New Year's resolutions. These resolutions are wonderfully pointless, and last about a week and a half, but reflect an attempt at self improvement that can only be admired.

You could pretty much guess someone's New Year's resolutions based on the magazines they read. Girls become Bridget Jones clones who join the gym, eat less chocolate and start the day with a quinoa-kale smoothie. Guys don't do resolutions, but if they did it would be like montage scene in an action movie. Personally, I think women like resolutions because women like lists.

I've just re-read mine for 2009, and I failed to complete each and every one. All this Resolution business does is succeed in making you feel bad, and they you are even less likely to do the things you set out to achieve.

Driving in the car on January 2nd, Katie asked me if I had any New Year's Resolutions. The little things that I might try and change and improve abut myself for the coming year. I said I didn't, and that I couldn't think of any. Interesting, she said, because you actually have 7, and read me the list of ways to improve myself.

I've written my own... Next entry.

Strauss v Smith update

Strauss is winning. And it has been Swann that's made the difference. Go you Onions last over blocking. Go you Saffa imports. Go you Strauss!