La Mudanza, and Flete Culture

Moving house... I've never subscribed to the three most stressful things in life mantra: divorce, illness, moving house. I'd take any if those (well, as long as the illness was bad enough to keep me from work, but not bad enough to stop me playing sport) over booking flights online, filling out an insurance form or doing anything technical over the phone regarding a modem.

Or so I thought...

We moved the day before flying to New Zealand, Saturday December 19th. Our San Isidro flat was boxed up and ready to go, New Zealand clothes packed separately, Martinez flat ready to move in to. Arrival of furniture co ordinated from San Telmo from our wonderful and much missed friends Emma and Ollie, who were about to move to India so Ollie could write his follow up book to the excellent Viva)

Moving in his country is made easier and more difficult by Flete Culture.

Fletes can be booked as easily as taxis, charge around $150/hour ($50US/hr), and in spite of the variety of companies, families and van shaped, every single one is staffed by the same three following colourful characters: the chauffeur, the maestro, and the peon. Let me introduce you:

The chaufeur

Through sheer hard work avoidance, made his way through the ranks to the driver's seat, and there he shall remain throughout the mudanza. His physical shape reveals his aptitude for this sitting role, and the sweat that stains his t-shirt was worked up many years ago.

Cigarette smoke will be seen, football commmentary will be heard, but you will not see his face until he presents you with a bill. His time is well spent in the van inventing different ways to inflate the preagreed price, but more on that later.

The maestro

Looking like a cheap clone of the chauffuer, and displaying a spookily similar joy of the profession and physical condition, el maestro is resigned to his fate as number 2: his chain smoked cigarettes are stubbed out with tango-esque melancholy, like a prisoner marking time on a cell wall. His bitterness will be taken out on...

The peon

A third of the age of the two stooges, your peon, when not dropping boxes, can be spotted wearing a tracksuit and playing tinny reggaeton music from his cell phone next to you on a bus. In spite of being the most intelligent and articulate of the bunch, he will be quite spectaculary at his job. You name a skill needed, he won't have it. Often comes will an idiosyncratic method of carrying heavy things. Literal translation? The 'pawn'.

It follows that if you want to move house, you'll need a flete. However, if you actually want to move, as in move your things, you must do most of the hard yards yourself. Your peon should never and in no way be trusted to do anything more complex than move boxes around within the van, as he will prove capable of breaking anything.

It would seem that, so pitifully cheap are the hourly rates - $5 US/hr for the peon - profit must be gained through a number of simple but effective scams. These range of the sneaky to the blatant, but used effectively can turn a $130 pesos job into a monthly wage for a small family.

The most common are as follows:

1. Time travel: the clocks starts from pick up A to drop off B. By simply appling rule 3, and allowing for some 'time travel', an extra hour can be found in the day.

2. Steering. Between pick up A and drop off B, even if this distance is sometimes no more than a few blocks, steering of fletes is notoriously difficult, meaning that chauffeurs often get lost en route. Expect a call, questioning your poor directions. Oh, Martinez? I though you said 'Bolivia'.

3. Lying. I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about this so callled 'agreed price' you made with... who was it? My office, I don't even have an office. Listen, I'll explain how this works...

4. Weights and Measures. Generally, to carry furniture too big for the lift up the stairs has a charge of $12. Or is that $12/floor. Or is that $12/floor/person/piece of furniture, with additional charges for weight and/or hot weather?

5. No Reason At All Tax. A discretional 10-15% may be added to your bill by the chauffeur at the end of the day. Why? Well, for No Reason At All, of course...

Flete Culture. No you know.

Y21K

March 21st 2010.

Three brothers, three continents, one race.

Iain, 36, North Carolina, United States.

Advantages: Experience (meaning age), attention deficit disorder, outdoor job, new shoes, experience (he has a 1-0 lead in this fixture, having actually run a 21k to date).

Disadvantages: 3 children, large unaerodynamic hair, most body mass.

North Carolina: Quiet, cool, only 11 people to run around.

Training: Iain likes to train by running between his many houses whilst overseeing his empire.

Dougal, 33 (just), Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Advantages: Youth, skinny legs, most aerodynamic body hair, reserves of untapped anger.

Disadvantages: Age, 1 and 3/4 children, quite old shoes, indoor job.

Buenos Aires: 35 degree heat limits training runs to 3 mins. Giant holes in paving can lead to injury. 13 million people to run around.

Training: Dougal is dedicated, disciplined and diligent (to highlighting and annotating) his training program.

Chris, 17, London, England.

Advantages: Youth, ah youth; least body mass, Adidas endorsement, coached by highly rated Miles MacLagan.

Disadvantages: Unaerodynamic beard, floppy feet, training interrupted by injury and answering Are You Andy Murray? type questions.

London: Cold, icey. 18 millions people to run around.

Training: Chris can train on the job working as a runner. Often forced to run to work due to inclement weather based tube/bus cancellations.

Bring it on!

Six Feet Under

Twickenham, London.

I first saw this sign when I was about 17, chuckle every time I pass it, finally photo'd it last Summer, finally loaded it to the blog. Dark sense of humour or the family calling?

If a man speaks...

Usually I hate the use of external personal space, like a t-shirt or a car or someone's forehead to advertise something about your clearly deficient personality, but somehow the Kiwis do it better than most.

The Americans, I'm afraid, are terrible. You'll see Proud Parent Of A High School Graduate emblazoned on the rear of a U-Haul. Or, humiliatingly, for the overseers of the high school drop outs, Proud Parent Of A Great Kid. An honorable exception, I do have to mention that my big bro, resident of North Carolina, once saw, Poke A Badger With A Spoon, a brilliantly specific reference to Eddie Izzard's idea of an 'original sin'. Banksy would've be proud of that.

The Brits are worse, usually involving a cartoon of one football supporter urinating on the shirt of their rival team. Yeah, that'll shows 'em, all right. It will show them that you are an even bigger tool than anyone could possibly have imagined.

This, however, is a cracker. Modestly placed on a big ol' Land Rover, is this beautiful musing on gender and philosophy:

If a man speaks in the woods...

... and there is no woman around...

... is he still wrong?

New Flat

We're moving. I would say we've moved, but until you can see the floor for boxes, I think you're moving...

It's like a microcosm for the country, this flat. Like Argentina, its pros outweigh the cons. like Argentina, it could be amazing if only things had been done properly in the first place. But once you build one hasty cheap fix upon another impulsive short term solution, then you find yourself in a flat where you switch on a tap and a window breaks.

Still, having a Gin and Tonic on the roof terrace in the sultry evening last night, it wasn't hard to focus on the pros...

5 Things To Know About New Zealand

1. Talk weather.

2. Deny you're from Auckland.

3. When in the Waiarapa, you're either not from Auckland, or you're a bogun. In this case, ignore Rule 2.

4. If you are an absolute moron, pass the time by calling your local radio station.

Meet Carl:

- Hi Carl, thanks for calling. So, how was your New Year's then?

- Good.

- Yeah? Awesome. So, what did you do?

- Got drunk.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- Yeah...

- Yeah... I got drunk.

- (Awkward pause) Well Carl, thanks for calling. Line 7...

The Pie (national radio feature)

"... it's always been a mystery to me how the pie has never become more popular in the United States. It's not that it's not eaten, or you cannot find the pie, but it has always been a disappointment that the pie has not reached the iconic stage that it has here in New Zealand..."

No, bigger disappointment tha your entire life. Line 4?

Meet Jenny:
- Hi Jenny, on line 4. 
- Hi.
- Happy New Year, Jenny. 
- Thanks. 
- So... (awkward pause) Have you bought your new calendar yet?
Jenny hangs up. Fair call. 

5. And finally, quote Crowded House. You know that song, Four Seasons In One Day? Well that happens here quite a lot actually? That you get a very changeable weather? As if you have Four Seasons In A...?

Yup. I got it.

Resolutions 2010

I hereby promise to try to do or not do each of the following for the duration of 2010 until I forget or stop or can't face it anymore:

1. Present And Correct 

To not complain, or "act like I have been stabbed", when 'we' buy a present for someone. 

2. Vanity Fair 

To tread carefully the line between vanity and vulgarity.  Bodily hair aptly illustrated this point. To talk about it is vain, not leave it is vulgar. Especially when you hit your thirties, and the only hair you seem to grow is nasal. 

3. Ostrich/Swan

To learn the littlest thing about the nature and the animals.  One should, apparently, be able to offer more information to a child about an animal than how it tastes.

4. Trustworthy and Versatile

Not to just use the T.V. as a babysitter. It can be so much more: teacher, friend, confidante, mentor, guru, life coach...

5. Why21k

To run the 21k on 3/21, beating into submission each brother, whether older or younger, whether they run in North Carolina or London, in a time less than 1hr 40mins.

Done.