La Mudanza, and Flete Culture

Moving house... I've never subscribed to the three most stressful things in life mantra: divorce, illness, moving house. I'd take any if those (well, as long as the illness was bad enough to keep me from work, but not bad enough to stop me playing sport) over booking flights online, filling out an insurance form or doing anything technical over the phone regarding a modem.

Or so I thought...

We moved the day before flying to New Zealand, Saturday December 19th. Our San Isidro flat was boxed up and ready to go, New Zealand clothes packed separately, Martinez flat ready to move in to. Arrival of furniture co ordinated from San Telmo from our wonderful and much missed friends Emma and Ollie, who were about to move to India so Ollie could write his follow up book to the excellent Viva)

Moving in his country is made easier and more difficult by Flete Culture.

Fletes can be booked as easily as taxis, charge around $150/hour ($50US/hr), and in spite of the variety of companies, families and van shaped, every single one is staffed by the same three following colourful characters: the chauffeur, the maestro, and the peon. Let me introduce you:

The chaufeur

Through sheer hard work avoidance, made his way through the ranks to the driver's seat, and there he shall remain throughout the mudanza. His physical shape reveals his aptitude for this sitting role, and the sweat that stains his t-shirt was worked up many years ago.

Cigarette smoke will be seen, football commmentary will be heard, but you will not see his face until he presents you with a bill. His time is well spent in the van inventing different ways to inflate the preagreed price, but more on that later.

The maestro

Looking like a cheap clone of the chauffuer, and displaying a spookily similar joy of the profession and physical condition, el maestro is resigned to his fate as number 2: his chain smoked cigarettes are stubbed out with tango-esque melancholy, like a prisoner marking time on a cell wall. His bitterness will be taken out on...

The peon

A third of the age of the two stooges, your peon, when not dropping boxes, can be spotted wearing a tracksuit and playing tinny reggaeton music from his cell phone next to you on a bus. In spite of being the most intelligent and articulate of the bunch, he will be quite spectaculary at his job. You name a skill needed, he won't have it. Often comes will an idiosyncratic method of carrying heavy things. Literal translation? The 'pawn'.

It follows that if you want to move house, you'll need a flete. However, if you actually want to move, as in move your things, you must do most of the hard yards yourself. Your peon should never and in no way be trusted to do anything more complex than move boxes around within the van, as he will prove capable of breaking anything.

It would seem that, so pitifully cheap are the hourly rates - $5 US/hr for the peon - profit must be gained through a number of simple but effective scams. These range of the sneaky to the blatant, but used effectively can turn a $130 pesos job into a monthly wage for a small family.

The most common are as follows:

1. Time travel: the clocks starts from pick up A to drop off B. By simply appling rule 3, and allowing for some 'time travel', an extra hour can be found in the day.

2. Steering. Between pick up A and drop off B, even if this distance is sometimes no more than a few blocks, steering of fletes is notoriously difficult, meaning that chauffeurs often get lost en route. Expect a call, questioning your poor directions. Oh, Martinez? I though you said 'Bolivia'.

3. Lying. I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about this so callled 'agreed price' you made with... who was it? My office, I don't even have an office. Listen, I'll explain how this works...

4. Weights and Measures. Generally, to carry furniture too big for the lift up the stairs has a charge of $12. Or is that $12/floor. Or is that $12/floor/person/piece of furniture, with additional charges for weight and/or hot weather?

5. No Reason At All Tax. A discretional 10-15% may be added to your bill by the chauffeur at the end of the day. Why? Well, for No Reason At All, of course...

Flete Culture. No you know.