What we do best

Reading the previews for Scotland - Italy tomorrow reminded me of what we do best. No, not win, nor even qualify for major tournaments. Only Scotland could have beaten the Ukraine, France home and away, played brilliantly for 12 months, only to then lose to a bunch of radiation ridden teenagers in Georgia and watch the dreams go up in smoke. We'll run Italy ridiculously close tomorrow, miss a couple of golden chances, fail to score, draw 0-0 and go out.

No, what we do best is make people laugh, drink whisky and wear 'skirts'. And such, and as I'm a wee bit homesick, some favourite lines that I find myself using to explain to people here how fabulous we really are:

Billy Connolly. "On a Scottish persons birth certificate they fill in: cause of death, alcohol."

From Rab C Nesbitt:
Doctor: Mr Nesbitt, you have cirrhosis.
Rab: Cirrhosis!
Doctor (astounded): You know what that means?"
Rab: Aye. That's the only three syllable words anyone in Glasgow knows...

Legendary heckle at a stand up gig at Edinburgh Festival:
Commedian: The Bible story could never have been told in Glasgow. You´d be lucky to ever find three wise men.
Heckler: Aye, and they'd've needed Sherlock Holmes ti' find a virgin.

Adage: "You´ll hae mere fun at a Glasgie stabbin' than at an Edinburgh weddin'"

Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

Line from a caddie in St Andrew, caddying for an American who was having a horror of a round.
US Golfer: You must be the worst golfer in the world!
Caddie: Now that would be too much of a coincidence, Sir.

And my favourite: Glasgow. City of Culture. 1990.